


rendevous 18.6y

by mateasha



Category: A3! (Video Game)
Genre: Angst, Flashbacks, Fluff, Gay, M/M, Mentions of Death, Text Messages, bad attempts at action, bad attempts at comedy, friends to strangers to lovers, mentions of firearms, original characters for the sake of plot
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-22
Updated: 2020-12-11
Packaged: 2021-03-09 02:36:10
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 6
Words: 32,677
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27146750
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mateasha/pseuds/mateasha
Summary: Chikage shows up at the front door of MANKAI after disappearing from the face of the Earth for 3 years. Itaru is not happy.
Relationships: Chigasaki Itaru/Utsuki Chikage
Comments: 7
Kudos: 62





	1. realizations

He should be happy for him. Chikage is okay. Chikage is alive, and didn’t… just go somewhere and do god knows what, (which, well, he already did, didn’t he.) but at least it isn’t anything bad, he’s safe and sound and maybe the troupe members will be overjoyed to hear how he’s been doing.

Out of respect, no one has ever taken their spots in their respective troupes.

He observes him even harder from the lounge area in the office, a good break, he thinks, as he grinds some gacha game with his husbando, a little tired from staring at the stupidly “gendered” pink UI with the characters flying across the screen. 

He’s happy. He looks healthy— maybe skin even glowing brighter than ever.

And it’s good for him. It’s amazing to see how happy Chikage looked, “laughing” with his friends, almost heartwarming to see Chikage doing just fine. Why wouldn’t he be? He’s talented, strong, mentally adept, better than h—

He stops that train of thought immediately.

He was happy. So then Itaru should be happy. Even if he was that stupid, unromantic senpai that always was offstandish with just a bit unromantic caring for others when he felt like it.

At least, should be.

He watches as his coworkers walk around him, slinging their arms around each other in camaraderie, as one of them asks him out for drinks after picking up lunch. His smile is almost as wide as he remembers when he figured out Hisoka was alive. And innocent.

He watches Chikage and he doesn’t look back, walking into the elevator without him, because he works on this floor. It’s fine.

But it’s just so fucking funny, when all he wants is just another word, just a reason why he left without even asking Spring Troupe, or literally anyone else for help. He would even trade his life for Hisoka’s, even though he knows that wouldn’t make anyone happy. Well, maybe Chikage. He could go off into some sunset with him and run away from whatever responsibilities he wanted to not deal with. Like Itaru. Izumi. The others. 

He wants to scream out so bad, just for him to come back, but he can’t, like that stupid horror novel that made him feel like shit and all existential for no reason. He feels like he can talk to him about everything, in a sense. Which would make sense, of course, if they were still close. Roommates. But he could only do that in a world where Hisoka is still alive.

—

Chikage knows he’s here.

Why? 

Intuition.

Not really. He looks at him, but chooses not to “look”.

But when he sees his face, almost heartbroken, which is almost questionable. He wants to ignore him so bad. Just move on. Easier said than done, when every week you see him share out information with the company execs. A Chikage-senpai, no more.

He wants to move on so bad.

But everytime he goes to bed, he can’t stop thinking. He crosses another day off the calendar, it’s been three years, almost three and a half years. 

He tears down his calendar. Who the fuck uses those anyways?

He tries to move on.

But of course, when you have something good, and it gets taken away, you want it back, right? You throw a tantrum like a little child at first, like a baby crying for their pacifier their mom took away from them. Then, you silence yourself, deny you ever wanted it in the first place. But you can’t stop wanting more, wanting it back. You yearn for it so hard that it hurts, almost twists your heart into a fucking pretzel, your stomach bubbling like the filter of the damn fish tank in your too-large-for-one-person office— thanks Boss, not complaining— but you can’t have it. You ignore it.

He knows he wouldn’t be able to deal with it again. It was all his fucking fault. He slams his hand on the desk again, before opening up his work computer.

His vision is hazy, like the only thing he can see is his hands, just a foot in front of him, trying to find his ground, but all that runs through his mind is, “it’s your fucking fault you idiot stupid you shouldve worked harder to protect everyone, cant even do that” it turns out harder than expected. 

But it’s not his first time at the rodeo, of course. He picks up the stack of paperwork, straightening it all into a neat little tower of paper, before typing away with a nasty scowl on his face.

He can’t accept this.

—

It’s his anniversary.

Chikage is on “vacation”. If your definition of “vacation” is sitting in a fancy car in suburban Tokyo, near Veludo Way. He already regrets his decision. Closure, my ass, he thinks to himself as he drives his car. 

He’d already picked up tickets to their show in a month. Itaru is the lead this time. He searched it up, but it seemed not to have anything that Spring Troupe would do. Minagi always changes it up. 

Maybe visiting his grave today wasn’t the best idea, Chikage asks himself with a slight melancholy in his inside head voice which he wants to shut up— so he tells it to shut up with its own voice (which of course, would never work, because he’s telling himself to 

shut up).

Chikage doesn’t know what to say. Do people speak out loud to their graves? No disrespect to them, but not for him.

In their head? He tries it, kneeling down a bit to the headstone, setting down a bag of marshmallows.

_ Hisoka. I don’t believe in God or reincarnation, or whatever religion. But I want to give the universe, no matter how little it cares, the benefit of the doubt. I hope you’re in nirvana, heaven, or reincarnated into some “cute” baby in whatever country, eating marshmallows. I never understood that. It’s not like I needed to. I guess. But wherever you are, I hope you’re up there. With August.  _

He shakes his head, like a dog shaking off water, except instead of water, it’s a somber liquid covering him, coating him in some syrupy hotness that feels like the embodiment of orange with speckles of blue.

He gets up and turns around to head back to his car.

“...Utsuki. It’s been quite a while.” He pulls up the cuffs of his outfit.

He’s not surprised to see him here. Arisugawa. He looks the same, the same haircut, the same outfit, same everything. He’s happy to see he’s been doing well.

“...I’m not surprised to see you here. You were his roommate, after all.”

“Yes, yes, indeed I was.  _ Was _ is the word I want to put emphasis on.” It’s like he reminded himself of what happened. “Why? Why come back here after all this time?”

“I was just… reminded.” He straightens his back, as if it wasn’t straight in the first place, almost scoliosis levels of effort into “straightening” posture, as if to become more defensive.

“Are you going to interrogate me, at least? Inquire about the troupe? How well has it been faring?”

“... I don’t think I need to.” He’s reminded of the last time he went to watch a play. Around Christmas time— where he could take enough time off.

_ Minagi always does well. Sakuma is always just so passionate you can feel it through the character. Usui is always perfect, staring back at the Director in approval. Chigasaki… is… _

He interrupts his own thoughts just to respond to Arisugawa, who’s been waiting for another word for 3 seconds at least. “I saw the play around Christmas. Well done. Very much so.”

“We are all aware Minagi-san always does an amazing job. Why, he is at the same level as me. But of course, I must come here and mourn every once in a while.” He walks past Chikage to look at Hisoka’s grave. “These marshmallows were his favorite brand, Chikage.”

“I know.”

A moment of silence ensues as Homare places a bouquet of anemone on the grave.

“Come back.”

“What?” Chikage is almost startled as he looks down at Homare, squatting at the grave.

“Come back.”

“You know I can’t.”

“You can, and you have always been able.” 

“I can’t. Arisu. What am I meant to say to everyone? ‘Oh, I left for 3 years, haha big surprise now I’m back!’ They’re them. I’m me. They don’t need me.” Chikage laughs nervously. Nervously? He calms his nerves— at least tries to, conflicted on what to do, because it’s been a while since he’s been like this.

“It’s what Hisoka would have wanted. We all need breaks.” The mention of Hisoka alarms Chikage, and makes his voice venom tipped.

“Don’t even try to bring up that fucking sleepyhead.”

“My, your language. This place is sacred.” He doesn’t even seem phased by his biting tone or his venomous words, just continuing to talk to him as normal— at least normal to him. “But you must admit… he would want you to keep acting. He was very, practically fully aware that you enjoyed what you did immensely.”

“I don’t care. It was good to talk to you again. See you around.” He storms off before Homare calls out for him again.

“Just… take this.” He hands him a card, Chikage acquiescing halfheartedly, already thinking about throwing away that flimsy card. “Call the number if you ever yearn for us too much.”

Chikage doesn’t say anything back— at least doesn’t feel the need to.

—

“Itaru?” The rest of the Spring Troupe knocks at his door, mostly Sakuya’s voice piercing through the little symphony of voices piping up just in an effort to wake up Itaru. (If he’s asleep of course— sleeping now to save energy for ranking all night.) “We have pizza?” Masumi looks at the noticeable  _ lack  _ of pizza in their hands, which, knowing Itaru, would make him close that damn door again.

Tsuzuru knocks on the door again, Izumi coming by, looking at them with a puzzled look on her face. “...Can I ask what you guys are doing or is it private?”

“Itaru hasn’t come out of his room in like… a week.” Tsuzuru takes out his phone to check the phone date to see if he’s actually not come out of his room for a week. “Yeah. A week.”

“And why is that surprising? He’s probably ranking.” Izumi almost has a visible question mark hovering over her head, that would be drawn over her if they were in an anime. “Although he should be working on his role… he is the lead after all.”

“Yeah, but I know that he has no thanking to do for this week!” Citron looks almost frustrated, going to the door to bang on it before Sakuya holds him back, calming him down. “I wanna play with him…”

“Ranking.” Tsuzuru mumbles through the word, correcting him.

“Ranking!”

Izumi parts them into two to make her way to the door, knocking harder. “Chigasaki! Get out of the room before I break in!” No response. “...Itaru?” Izumi grabs a keychain from her pocket, with the master key. “I’m coming in.” She unlocks the door quickly, opening the door, being blasted with a rank scent— the scent of body odor (which isn’t surprising now that he’s alone) but when it’s festered and accumulated for a month. Which is terrible considering he’s only been in there for a week.

“...Yes?” Itaru sits up in his loft bed. “...Oh.” He gets down from the loft bed, his hair almost matted to his face, with oil stains and chip crumbs all over his t-shirt. “...Hi.”

“Itaru.”

“Director…?”

“Take a bath. Come back here. We are _ going to talk,  _ because you haven’t let it get this bad in a while.”

“...Whatever you say.”

When Itaru takes a shower, he doesn’t feel refreshed— rather just a clean feeling taking him with the same unidentifiable emotion. Probably a mixture of disappointment, discontentment, and self-loathing; which isn’t a particularly new mixture but it’s almost defeating this time, for no damn reason. Well, he does know the reason, but he refuses to acknowledge the idea, even entertaining it. Calling in sick to work because he just didn’t feel like going isn’t going to last forever, especially when  _ He  _ is practically his boss. He doesn’t want to get fired of course. He did just lose another job, so getting fired now isn’t the best idea.

Itaru picks up his phone on his way out of the bath, and turns on his phone to check his waifus this time, at first checking out his Best Girl. Humans are complicated, he says to himself, as he taps though some loading messages and downloading messages. He thinks back to work before getting interrupted by Izumi, who’s staring at him from inside his dorm, picking up trash and stuffing them into her makeshift trash bag, which is really just a plastic bag from the convenience store. “Itaru, come in. It’s your dorm after all.” He walks in unwillingly, hit by the smell he produced himself. He even wonders how he can take it.

Izumi wants to talk, he knows that much, as he feels the type of anxiety coming on when he gets the message, “we need to talk”. He hasn’t gotten it that often, but he does definitely freeze up. He definitely isn’t that stupid to not get a hint. Maybe. Izumi starts speaking after a moment of silence.

“So… Can we talk about this? You’ve never let it get this bad… even  _ you  _ have standards.” She glares at the side of the room that’s basically caked in chip bags, surrounded by an anime summoning circle made of chip crumbs. 

“Do I have to?”

“Listen… this can’t go on forever. Just… talk about it. My lips are sealed!” She “zips” her mouth shut and throws away the invisible key from her hands. Itaru knows she isn’t going to leave without an answer— which is just the type of person she is— determined for no good reason. He can’t understand why Izumi is still here, even “helping” him clean. Helping in quotation marks because Itaru’s splayed out on his couch, head hanging off an armrest.

He holds out his phone to tweet something on his streamer Twitter, like “sorry for not streaming i was sick” which is convincing, until he realizes Banri follows him. Fucking NEO. Whatever. He sends it anyway.

“Can you keep it down? I don’t know what emotion you’re gonna feel when I tell you whatever has gotten me so… down. But I know you’re gonna scream about it, which I don’t want to hear.” Itaru scrolls through his personal, looking at fanart of his main games staring at a couple to just appreciate the artistry. Talent.

“I told you. Lips are sealed!”

He adds a snarky tone to his voice. “Someone with their lips zipped together wouldn’t be able to talk.” Itaru smirks.

“Shut up, you know what I mean.”

“LOL. Do you seriously,  _ most definitely,  _ want to hear me out?”

“Yes. Obviously? I’m cleaning your room just to buy myself time so you don’t kick me out.”

“Good strat. Whatever.” He goes to the training section, sacrificing some of his cards in the name of evolving his best girl. “I got laid off, remember?”

“Yeah.”

“And I got a new job, remember?”

“Mmmhm.”

“So I got hired as an assistant to this high up exec, which is like… hell yeah. Level up from that old company.”

“Didn’t you just get hired? I don’t think being absent for a week is a good look for your  _ Refreshing Handsome Man _ persona. Trademark.”

Itaru laughs.“I— Well… Yeah? But I just didn’t want to go because of a certain person.”

“Do we have to beat someone up?”

“No. But guess who it was.”

“... Was it someone from highschool?”

“It was Chikage-san.”

“...Chika—“ Izumi puts her own hand over her mouth to shut herself up because of the up and coming scream that is about to pierce the skies.

“You heard me right.”

“...Yeah, I definitely did.” Izumi almost has a solemn tone, a tacit agreement of how they should be feeling about this.

“I just… I don't think I’m ready to see him. Mentally preparing for what shitshow might go on. Seeing him drained all my LP in a split second. And this week is me recharging, and a little more. Like I need it to overflow this time, like when I claim daily login quests for them.”

“Makes sense. Well… nothing you can do about it, right?” Izumi sounds a bit defeated, tying up the trash she’s picked up in the convenience store plastic bag, taking out another one and cleaning up again. “Just… deal with it till you can find a new job. Or… you could bring him back here. I want to— need to talk to him.”

“Mmm. I don’t want to do it.” Itaru sounds even more defeated, like he was born with that stupid Archeops abiltity. 50% HP lost already, and he’s not ready to lose that other half. “But if it comes to that… Sure. I’ll try. Not very hard of course.”

“Yeah, yeah, Itaru. You keep doing that.” She picks up some more trash before Tsumugi looks through the door. 

“Director-san?”

“Tsumugi?”

“Someone is at the door.”

“I’ll get it.” Tsumugi leaves quickly to his dorm. “Itaru. Finish cleaning. Get the broom and sweep that damn pile of chips. We can’t deal with another infestation. Sakyo is gonna get so mad at you and me, and we don’t want another wifi outage caused by him. Also… please remember the play. I know that we aren’t super close to opening night, but this one has to be one of our more intricate ones, okay? Study your role well.”

“Yeah, of course. I’ve been doing that in here too.” Itaru follows Izumi out of the room, heading to the lounge to grab the dustpan and broom lying in the corner of the kitchen. Itaru takes it, wondering how much money it would cost for Itaru to get a damn maid around here. 

But he wouldn’t want anyone to see his room, of course, as he gets almost scared of someone walking in, and seeing his shelf of games, and his cute and sexy gamer setup. Not the right choice of words, but it’s cute and sexy to him. (He also doesn’t want anyone to wash his body pillow of his waifu, or see it, matter of fact. Plus, he’s worked to make it so comfortable he can sleep instantly with it.)

Itaru heads back to his dorm, the door still open, sweeping up the chips, and spraying some damn Febreeze in there. Hawaiian breeze, or some other tropical scent will do. He hears frantic footsteps from the lounge, Izumi holding onto the doorframe.

“Itaru!” She stands up straight. “Chikage… is here. At the dorms with us.”

“What?” 

Chikage pops up behind her, with a small suitcase in hand. Less of popping up, but more of fully revealing himself behind her.

“Please don’t tell me he’s moving back in.”

—

Chikage is less than aware of the reasons he’s here, before regrouping himself and making some stupid mental list in his mind. Thanks, self-help/business book that his boss gave him. He leads up the events in his mind.

  1. Chikage gets a call from the landlord of his apartment building. 
  2. The landlord tells him that the rooms are flooded because some guy on the upper floor took such a big shit that it flooded the entire apartment complex. How does one even do that?
  3. He is distressed. He goes to book a hotel.
  4. All the hotel rooms are booked again.
  5. Chikage, understandably, gets angry. He drives back to pick up some non-wet stuff. He can sleep in a car for a night.
  6. He starts it up, and it doesn’t start. His car is broken.
  7. He kicks the tire in frustration, and the side metal plate just falls off. He sighs in the ultimate defeat.
  8. He now has nowhere else to stay— hotels are all booked and reserved for the waves of plays about to be released. His hideout is not an option— he doesn’t have much of a bed in there, or actual facilities he needs. No wifi.
  9. Chikage is reminded of the conversation he and Arisugawa had back at… there.
  10. He comes back with a damn Uber.



He sits down at the couch, fingers pinching the bridge of his nose in more than frustration at what situation he’s gotten himself into, already regretting his decision.

Izumi runs back, opening the lounge door. “...Chikage-san!” She goes to the kitchen. “It’s… a pleasure to see you back here. It’s pretty late. Almost everyone has gone to sleep. Tea?”

“Sure. Lavender, thank you.” Chikage is fidgeting, which is super out of whatever character he plays, almost struggling to not have a tone when he says his next words. “I’d… hope no one else is awake.” He thinks back to Itaru, but forces the thought of him out. “How has it been?”

“Not the same without you and… yeah.” Izumi looks down at her own cup, the teabag soaking. “Why are you here anyways? You just… disappeared.”

Chikage swallows his pride for just a little bit longer. “My apartment is flooded. My stuff is fine but I can’t stay there for now. Every hotel is booked here. My car is broken because I’ve been forsaken. I can’t stay anywhere else. I need to stay here.”

“...Well… you’re always welcome here anyways. You’ll always be a part of us, even when you don’t think you are.” Izumi takes a sip of her now finished tea. “Well… I know this might be uncomfy but for now, our only open room is 103.” He gets flashbacks to the number, when he got assigned it the first time he came here. “I don’t want to put you in 205. Homare has been doing a lot of stuff in there ever since.” Izumi pauses. “...And I know how you might feel about it.”

“I see. Well… I’ll take what I can get, no?” He sighs. “Beggars can’t be choosers.” He takes a long sip of his lavender tea. Nothing has really changed, he observes, as he looks around slowly taking everything back in. The smell is even familiar, which might just be the smell of lavender tea, but he doesn’t really think so. But an air about it doesn’t have as much life as it used to— which he might attribute to the fact that it’s now 12:30 am, but he knows deep in his subconscious the real reason.

Izumi smiles wide. “Great. I’ll lead you there. Itaru is cleaning right now.”

—

Yes, it is awkward, Itaru confirms to himself— something he doesn’t even need to do when Chikage is literally just typing away at his computer, as Itaru fiddles with his phone up in the air, playing some new KniRoun thing. Great. Lancelot is idly whacking at some large dragon on his phone screen, while Chikage’s loud typing begins to fill up more and more of his headspace until Itaru finally gets over the air that’s as thick as butter. “Can you type… quieter? Please?”

Fuck. That is  _ not  _ how he meant to say it. “...sure.” Itaru is surprised, doing a little “Oh.” to himself. He expected more resistance, especially with his tone.

Chikage can almost feel Itaru’s eyes burn into the back of his skull, which would almost be fitting for him and those damn carnelian eyes. “If you want me to leave, I can leave. I understand you have to do that ranking thing, or whatever.”

“Don’t act like you care, Utsuki.” Itaru just keeps fumbling with his tone, always going a little too biting. Which he should probably stop, when he’s basically talking to his boss. Technically. Not really his boss, because he’s been appointed to Chikage. They’re supposed to be working together. But it’s not like Chikage has power in a setting that is now his. He’s in Itaru’s domain. “You never cared about my ranking in the first place.”

“Can we fucking not today? Be happy I’m even dealing with you.”

Itaru shuts up immediately. He isn’t going to do this today. Or ever. He turns on his side to try to ignore whatever that cabbage head is doing on his laptop. But he doesn’t. He looks at the laptop, already looking for hotels to stay at, and sending out emails, with some decryptor on the side. Itaru isn’t one for confrontation. He knows he’s less than welcome with Chikage’s presence— which he can’t understand.

But Itaru is already tired— be it from the event that just happened, or the fact that it’s 1 am. Which is baby hours for him. He goes to do some final things, use his stamina, the sorts, and lets his body drift away.

—

Itaru wakes up midday, as usual for a weekend, and for some reason, Chikage is still there, typing away. He climbs down from his loft bed, stretching a bit and going to turn his computer on. 

It seems like a normal weekend to Itaru, except for the fact that  _ he’s  _ here now. For whatever reason.

“Have you been awake this entire time?”

“...What’s it matter to you?” Chikage doesn’t even look back or stutter in his typing.

“Nothing, I was just wondering. Jeez.” Itaru doesn’t even want to try to fight back with the man who could snap his neck in 0.5 seconds. He walks out into the atrium, heading to the kitchen to grab some food from Omi, who had probably covered some leftovers from breakfast in plastic wrap, and probably already getting lunch ready.

“Itaru. Good morning to you!” Omi speaks to Itaru from the counter, giving him a smile.

“Thanks.” He grabs the leftover breakfast for a nice brunch. Izumi comes through the door with some bags of groceries for the next week.

“Itaru! Let’s talk later, okay? Practice is soon. We don’t want you to be absent this time. As the lead, you have the most importance for the play, and we need you to—“

“I know. I’ve been studying this role, okay? I just can’t seem to wrap my head around it.” 

“And that’s why we should talk.” Izumi looks serious again, the look she gave him last night when cleaning his dumpster room. “It’s nothing serious. Just sit down here.”

“I have  _ things  _ to attend to, Director.” Itaru looks smug, and walks towards the door, plate in hand. 

“I swear it’ll be quick!”

“Can’t we just do it in my room? Omi is here, and if it’s  _ so  _ serious, we should talk about it in a private place.”

“You’re gonna be distracted if we do it in your room. Just follow me to mine.”

“Ugh…” He walks over to Izumi, and follows her to her room, pulling out a chair for Itaru and she sits on her bed. “So…?”

“So… guess what…” Izumi’s voice is light, like she’s trying to break something to him slowly but surely.

“Don’t tell me. Is he going to be staying for a while?”

“...Damn.”

“You have to be kidding me, Izumi. Like I can’t believe you would do this to me. Rooming me with my boss.” He puts his back over the chair he’s sitting in, like a standard damsel in distress, woe is him. “Woe is me! All I know is pain and suffering.” 

“You might be an actor but that was not an opening night performance.” Izumi laughs. “It might be for a while so bear with me. It’ll be until at least closing night.”

“... At  _ least  _ closing night?” Itaru is confused. “Why does he even need to stay in here?”

“Well… His apartment is flooded. Some guy took a fat shit in the toilet on the upper floors and now his apartment is flooded with toilet water. Hotels are booked for a while, Godza n’ all the other performances. People  _ do  _ book hotel rooms months in advance here.”

“Well, that’s tough. Why not put him with Homa—“ He stops and realizes what he’s going to say. “Oh.”

“Right.”

“Well, can’t he drive? Like… to a place  _ with  _ hotels?”

“Well, his car is broken. Listen, even if he did get it fixed, it’s the least we can do for him. He tried his best, Itaru. Everyone… grieves differently and it’s not in our place to judge him, no? Even if it was self-destructive…”

“Yeah, by hurting us? That’s his grief? Why’d you even let him stay? He doesn’t act, he wouldn’t do shit around here. Do you think he’ll come back? After three and a half years, no goodbye, just a complete disappearance? I don’t see how you can forgive some old cabbage head like that. He’s not even part of MANK—“

“Itaru, can you shut the fuck up? Like, actually.” Itaru immediately shuts up in almost prey-like fear. ”You of all people should know what it felt like when he left, and after everything that went down.” Izumi is absolutely fuming, like steam is coming out of her ears, getting up and turning away and looking at the bookshelf. “Do you know what it feels like? I worked so hard for this— to build this up from when it was failing to a place where we can stay and lean on each other and you…  _ you  _ of all people should know what the hell that feels like.”

“Izumi, I—“ He gets up, reaching out for a bit.

“I’m not finished.” Izumi is tearing up and getting more red by the second, like she’s going to burst. “How do you think I feel about all this? Chikage is back. It’s overwhelming, Itaru. It reminded me of Hisoka, and what would MANKAI be if he was still here but he isn’t. He’s not back. He won’t ever, and when we find an old member like Chikage, I will always accept him back in, even if he’s not committed to the acting gig. It’s almost like we’re completing ourselves again.”

“I understand that, but—“ Itaru can barely get a word in.

“He’s staying there. I don’t want any backtalk from you, Itaru. Have a good evening.”

“I’m sorry.”

“Just go.” She sits back down, her back turned to Itaru as he walks out.

Itaru feels bad. I mean, who wouldn’t, but he didn’t expect Izumi to take it that hard. Itaru has every right to say that he doesn’t want him in his room, feeling no remorse for making Izumi almost cry from pure anger, walking slowly back to the room. Omi stares at him as he goes through the kitchen. 

“...Food?”

“Nah. Not hungry, I want some chips.”

“Don’t overindulge. It’s almost dinner anyways.”

“Yeah, yeah, thanks Omi.”

He walks out of the kitchen and back to his room, still thinking about Izumi. Izumi is angry. Izumi is more than angry at him and it was because of him— which has never happened before and he is distraught. 

He walks back into the room and no one is there. Bless. Today his room feels a bit more lonely, even though there’s more stuff in it, looking to his left to see the duffel bag of clothes with his desk underneath the loft bed already set up with tons of electronics. What is he even doing? He takes a look at Chikage’s stuff before he comes back.

Another laptop? A walkie-talkie… and the thing that catches his eye the most is a picture of MANKAI, and behind that, a picture of Hisoka and Chikage. Itaru remembers taking this photo, looking closer at it. Okay, now he really feels bad, he thinks as he looks at the photo more and more.

If he missed us that much then why didn’t he come back?

The door opens and he shuffles as fast as he can to the couch, posing in one of the most awkward positions.

“...H-hey, Utsuki-senpai.”

“Hm.”

He quickly walks past, suspiciously looking at Itaru as if he was a cat that pushed something off a desk while their owner was gone. Itaru quickly skitters to his desk, starting up his computer. The room feels a bit more lively with both of them in it, even if they’re both just trying to ignore each other, something within the room metamorphosing, like something is changing. He shakes the thought out of his head quickly before he slumps into his chair to get into the Gamer Position (trademarked by Itaru himself) and getting his software up.

Itaru needs to stream today. Not really— he didn’t announce anything, but he has to feed his fans  _ some  _ sort of content. He gets ready to film something, anything. He picks a random game and starts filming a bit, Chikage in the room completely tuning Itaru out and vice versa. 

Chikage slowly drifts off to sleep for once, but this time, it’s a deep sleep.


	2. quiet

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tw death, guns, blood (in first flashback)

Chikage wakes up for some reason, checking the railing of his bed to check the time.

It's 3:12 am, and for some reason Itaru is already asleep in the bed across from him. He doesn't understand how Itaru is asleep so early for his standards, but maybe things have changed. After all, it has been 3 years. It isn't for him to understand anyways, so he climbs down from his loft bed to open his computer.

His computer starts up again, but he quickly realizes that he won't be able to focus, because for some reason he feels antsy. Like he needs to get up and run. He's not Tasuku though, so he grabs his sweater from his bag and goes out for a walk.

The atrium's lights are on, the white fluorescent lights highlighting whatever is going on. The lighting is a bit unflattering as he notices, when he passes by the bench in the middle. The air is a bit biting, cutting through his sweater like nothing when just a tiny breeze comes by from somewhere- which he doesn't understand when the breeze should be blocked by the walls of the dormitory. But things are different. The leaves rustle with the breeze, reminding him of the first time he was here after finishing his first play. It's almost nostalgic, the way that the oddly full moon is shining on his pale skin, the moonlight glinting in his glasses. The moon is brighter than usual, he speculates, before sitting on the bench he passes by.

It feels like it should be snowing, like it should be winter, but he guesses that the biting cold will still crossover from the cold season. He gets hit by another nostalgia wave as he looks to his side. It's almost a calming presence, like someone is there next to him. The sky is clear, he notices, like he's about to look up at the stars, and reach for them like a little child. Not a single cloud in the sky is blocking anything, but it's not like that would make a difference when the moon is so bright this time, bright enough to where it would shine through his window if he was still there at the window.

He feels tranquil for a bit, before looking at the moon specifically after surveying the sky. He thinks, and it all slowly comes back to him. 

—

12/6— 3 years ago

It's like Hisoka is sitting there again, right next to him, looking at the few stars they can see in the night sky. It's a full moon today, the stars aren't nearly as visible as they were a couple weeks ago, but it's always nice to be with someone you're safe with.

"Hisoka." He's still looking at the stars with him, their eyes not even leaving the twinkling lights of those big balls of gas in the sky. He never understood the fascination that Hisoka had with stars. Sure, they were pretty, but you can only be so distracted by a couple of gas balls that kind of just float there. It's not like he isn't a victim to the fascination with stars, as he recalls when he was younger, he always thought about what stars were. Of course, he's less naive now. He's had to be. 

Hisoka doesn't seem like he's going to respond to Chikage's calling of his name before he responds with what can only be explained as the verbalized version of a question mark. 

"I have to go." Chikage seems a bit somber when he says it, the quiet rustling of the leaves following him, like the wind and the trees are responding to what he said.

"Go where?" Hisoka feels uneasy, his gut feeling a bit more intense.

"... You know what I'm talking about, December." The name December immediately strikes a chord in Hisoka, who suddenly breaks eye contact with the sky. That name is almost like a code for them. He looks at Chikage, then at the ground. 

"Why?"

Chikage is still looking at the sky, almost like he's searching for something. Maybe that's what Hisoka was always doing in the first place. "They just won't leave me alone, that's all." He doesn't know what else to say to Hisoka as he sits there at almost 3 am. He knows that some people in the dorms are still burning the midnight oil, so he keeps it a bit down still, not speaking at full volume in order to not alert anyone to the fact that Chikage will be risking his life again.

"Then go. Remember."

"... Of course, December."

Something in Chikage feels understood for some reason, the man not even realizing the feeling of being understood, just the feeling of just a tinge of happiness. He's happy and he can't explain why. 

It had been two years after Chikage found Hisoka, and it felt like they were getting a bit closer, even without August.  _ August... _ he thinks to himself, before getting rid of the thought completely, intent on what he has to do. He enters his dorm, and Itaru is still up, playing whatever game he's on now. He isn't filming for once, which is good, because then he doesn't have to be quiet about doing anything, but now he's going to ask questions to Chikage, which is the last thing Chikage wants anyone to do- excluding December, but that's a completely different case.

"Senpai~" Itaru pipes up, taking his headphones off before pushing his Cool Gamer Chair:tm: away from the desk, turning away from the almost lavish computer with the backlit keyboard, and looking at Chikage. "Where are you going?"

"None of your business."

"...You're going out again though. As a Spring Troupe member, I am obligated to ask you wherever the hell you go." Itaru puffs his chest a bit, with a fake pride that only someone close to him can understand. 

"As a Spring Troupe member, I reserve the right to be quiet." He picks up a duffel bag from the corner of his room, with the amount of resources he needs. "Goodbye."

"Wait." Itaru looks stunned, even at himself for saying that. He'd never done that before, not in the two years they'd been rooming together. "Just... tell me."

"Chigasaki. This isn't  _ any _ and I mean  _ any _ of your business. Seriously. I need you to lay off for now. I'll promise to be safe."

"...Okay." Itaru looks a bit defeated, feeling like he should give him the signature kouhai puppy eyes, but he decides against it. Nothing gets him to say anything about where Chikage goes, especially at ass crack AM.

Chikage makes mistakes.  _ Doesn't everyone, he _ thinks to himself as he pulls out the gun from his holster, quickly grabbing and then connecting a holster to it to shoot the man walking forwards towards where he's hiding behind a crate. He reminds himself not to kill. Shoot to debilitate, and leave one out of the equation. It's not like he's in life threatening danger, and it's just so much work to clean all the shit that human bodies have in them. 

Not literal shit.

Just a lot of organs. And blood.

Chikage aims and fires at his heel, the man falling over and wincing in pain. "Ah, shit!" He quickly realizes what's going to happen. "Fuck. Fuck, fuck, fuck fuck." The man in almost all black except for the tiny little badge on the arm repeats the word fuck like a mantra, before yelling for help. 

Chikage really did not think about this. Which is completely out of character for him, he says to himself before grabbing his bag and running on the other side, running to his car, at first looking at the back of his car. 

There's a human body in it. It's Hisoka.

"...December." He wants to yell at him so bad, but of course he can't. He doesn't want to alert anyone to knowing that he's here, ducking down so no one can see him in this car. "Why the hell are you here?"

"...I need to help you with this one. I know it’s because of me, and I can’t just let you sit around and do this yourself.”

"I'm more than capable of handling myself, December.  _ Far _ more capable than someone who falls asleep at the first lie down."

"There's more than usual today. Don't act like you aren't the only one working hard to protect our family." December pauses, peering over the window to look out for others. "30 of them is way too much for you, even I know that."

"...I can manage." Hisoka almost says it sarcastically.

"Listen. As much as you are a pain in the ass, I still care for you."

"You're quite the weird one, aren't you?"

"Said the spy to the other spy."

"Mm. I guess I can't compete with that. Well.. it's not like I can take you back now. You have to come with me."

"That was the plan. I'm not feeling too sleepy tonight anyways." He grabs a small handgun from the back, him too putting a silencer over the muzzle.

"Let's go."

They open the car doors quickly, using the doors as cover. Something feels off, Chikage says to himself quickly while looking around, barely looking at the dark figures shrouded in the darkness of the riverside docking area. 

Hisoka looks around even closer, observing certain places Chikage didn’t. His breath halts for a bit, like his heart rate suddenly runs down to zero. He looks around again. Hisoka whispers to Chikage. “We’re surrounded.”

A tall silhouette comes out of the darkness slowly, with ten other men next to her, but her figure is certainly different, her hair cut short, with dark brown hair and piercing orange eyes staring right into Chikage and Hisoka’s heart.

“Hands up.” They both slowly get up, hands held high. “April.” Her eyes meet Chikage’s, her eyes almost seeming to bite back like a dog. “...December.” 

“...What the hell do you want from us? We didn’t do anything this time.” Chikage speaks up, the circle seeming to close in more and more.

“Stand in front of the car.”

“Not much of a talker, are you?”

“Yes, you could say that. Throw away your guns.” They both comply, slowly grabbing the guns from their holsters and throwing them on the ground. “Good, good…” She laughs to herself a bit, turning around, laughing with a harsh, raucous voice that pierces through the night. “Damn… I was really expecting more of a fight, y’know? ‘Specially from the guys who got rid of July.”

“Why the hell… are you capturing us anyways?” He can notice Hisoka side eyeing him, telling him to stall with just his gaze as Hisoka slowly picks up a gun he had in the back of his belt. 

“I just need to get rid of you. No need for a damn stupid monologue this time. July was stupid for that. Here and now, I’ll get rid of this tiny nuisance.“ She walks up to Hisoka holding a handgun below his chin. 

“Mmph!” Hisoka is fake screaming. Chikage can already tell, as he throws over a gun behind her back.  _ Nice,  _ he thinks to himself before getting ready to aim and fire. “Any last wo—“ 

Chikage pulls out the gun Hisoka gave him, shooting her thigh.

“Fuck!” She takes her hand off quickly, wincing in pain, as Chikage and Hisoka quickly go behind the car door and hide, gunshots already starting.

“December? Are you okay?”

“Yeah.” He looks at Chikage with an almost questioning face, gunshots whizzing past the car. 

“Wait, December!” Hisoka quickly rolls out of the car, not thinking about it shooting almost blindly, but managing to hit every single one. 

Hisoka doesn’t even sweat as he gets behind a wall, as October takes out her gun and begins shooting bullets, Hisoka ducking into the wall. 

“December, what the fuck?” Chikage shouts over at him.

“It needed to be done.”

The gunshots get louder and louder, hitting the concrete wall and the metal hull of the car, almost screeching with metal against metal. 

“April! Your left!” Chikage quickly pivots his head to the left shooting the two men advancing.

“Thanks.” He barely shouts it, but Hisoka doesn’t need a thanks, as he distracts the gunmen from Chikage running over.

“Hisoka, you can’t just do that.”

“How else are we gonna deal with this?”

“...Right.”

A man quickly turns around facing them. “April! Behind you!” Hisoka shoots him quickly, while Chikage is still crouching down next to the wall. 

“Saving my ass today, I see.” 

“Not just today.”

“The past 2 times we’ve had to do this are speaking to me.”

“Not time for talking, April.” 

Chikage peeks over the wall, shooting the other 3 men left, October frantically looking around. “We have to move.”

“We have to stay on our ground, nowhere to run.”

“Fuck.” He thinks fast and runs over to his car, leaving Hisoka, the gunmen running over to Chikage. 

Chikage looks at him and nods, Hisoka prepping his gun until they run past, shooting them all, dropping like flies.

Chikage moves out the car, holding his gun towards October, shooting the gun again out of her hand. “Ah, shit.” She looks not at all defeated, almost a bit cocky with how she twirls the nonexistent gun in her hand. “Well… you got me.”

Hisoka moves out of the wall, and stands next to Chikage. “...Why do you talk like that? You’re at gunpoint.”

“Yeah. I am. Just no point in tryna’ negotiate with someone who obviously has the intent to kill me, y’know.” She grins disgustingly, almost mocking the two. “I didn’t expect you guys to be that good though. Impressive. But I think you should watch out.”

“For what?” Chikage doesn’t even make it sound like a question, but she still responds. 

“It’s a secret, April.”

It’s silent for a bit, like Chikage can’t just shoot her here and then. Hisoka looks around then— 

“April! Look out!” Chikage pulls the trigger, hitting October in the gut, pulling down too fast, and collapsing almost, folding in on herself before getting up and running, Hisoka pushing Chikage back a little to get in front of him and then—

Contact.

Hisoka doesn’t scream when it hits him, but just looks down at the wound already starting to bleed. “...Shit.” He starts putting pressure to the wound quickly, the stain on his shirt getting bigger and bigger. 

“Hisoka!” He runs over quickly after getting his first aid kit from the back of his truck, the gunshots making large dents in the metal. “Shit… are you feeling okay?”

“Ah… April.” He looks at him, trying to sit up, wincing back in pain to lie down again. “It’s really deep…” He looks down at his stomach, the blood spouting out of his wound near the diaphragm and the gut, almost bleeding like a geyser. “I think this is it. Chikage.”

“Hisoka, don’t say that.”

“I have to say it.” He smiles a bit for once. “Ah… I really didn’t want to die here too.”

“You aren’t going to die!” Chikage raises his voice at him, like it’ll stop him.

“Just… there’s no point.”

“I can’t just sit here and let you fucking bleed out, Hisoka.”

“Take care of the troupe for me, okay?”

—

Chikage wakes up from the bench, almost like he was kicked. Maybe literally, as he sees Sakuya standing there, looking down at him. 

“...Sakuma-san.” He sits up slowly on the bench to look at Sakuya.

“Chikage!” He smiles at him, the same smile from three years ago glistening in still, the moonlight, but just a little brighter and blue with the incoming sunrise. It’s 5:34 am he sees as he checks his phone. The birds are loud for no damn reason, tweeting some inane song that almost hurts his ears. He doesn’t understand why he’s so angry at them. “Chikage.” Sakuya calling his name again wakes him up finally, and brings his attention to Sakuya, who still looks the same after all these years. He’s glad that nothing bad has happened to him.

Maybe he was the problem.

“...Hm?” Chikage responds almost apathetically, hitting himself in his head in anger for responding like that. Chikage doesn’t understand why he’s so angry. 

“Are you okay? You were kinda squirming!” Sakuya is smiling, bringing an air of familiarity into the atrium. He looks around. “Why were you sleeping on the bench?”

“No reason.”

“...Itaru, hm?” Sakuya reads him so quickly it hurts. “I understand. You two were roommates before as well.” Chikage is completely silent and doesn’t even want to respond to him, but it’s rude, and Sakuya did nothing to him in the first place, which is why he doesn’t understand why he’s so pissy. 

“Okay, okay, okay. You clearly aren’t up for conversation, huh? It is…” He looks at his phone “5:34? Crazy.” Sakuya looks at him with eyes of understanding and affirmation for his emotions. “Well… we’re gonna go out tonight. The whole company too. Kazunari wanted to go out… y’know… to commemorate your return. You have all day to think about it.”

Chikage thinks on it, Sakuya already walking away to the practice room. Chikage calls out to him quickly before he fully leaves the atrium of the dorms. “Wait! I’ll go.”

“What?”

“I’ll go.”

“That was easier than I expected.”

“...Can I come with you?” Sakuya points to the practice room, questioning him. “Yeah.”

“Of course!” Sakuya smiles at him, and Chikage quickly walks over. “It’ll just be like old times, right!” He laughs at himself, trying to alleviate the awkwardness that he can feel in the air.  _ Yeah. Just like old times. _ The lights are off as they both go in, Chikage taking a seat and turning on the lights while Sakuya looks at himself in the mirror. He breathes in and breathes out, getting ready for practice.

He walks into the practice room, still the same, except he can see that the floor has a little bit more wear and tear on it, and those damn boxes still in front of the mirror. Chikage feels a little awkward sitting here watching him, but there’s a feeling of nostalgia coming over him as he looks around. The windows are beginning to show their first signs of light, casting its sunrays over the dust wafting around in the room, sitting at the table. Sakuya is reciting lines from what he can only think of as the latest play, springtime rolling in like a race car. He’s unconsciously smiling, Sakuya can see that, but Sakuya doesn’t break character as he keeps going. He finishes, grabbing some water from the table, Chikage trying to look away from him, but his eyes keep getting drawn towards Sakuya.

He breaks the silence, trying to make the atmosphere a little less awkward. “So… you’re up earlier than usual for practice. Well, earlier than usual for you.” Sakuya looks at him laughing at him. 

“Yeah. I am, really.” Sakuya is smiling towards him, turning around and sitting on the floor of the practice room, still looking at himself. “Tsuzuru really has outdone himself with this play. It might be one of his best, if I do say so myself.” 

“His best?” Chikage says with a tinge of excitement on the end of the word, really trying to stifle it and put it down further, Sakuya noticing this and smiling.

“Yeah. These characters are really intricate this time around. Itaru is really working hard for this role… he’s kind of stuck though.”

“Stuck? How about the others?”

“They’re fine… I mean, Itaru  _ is  _ the lead this time. I’m happy for him though… it’s like he’s been reignited.” He looks towards Chikage wistfully. “He’s kinda felt… a bit sadder than usual. It’s like that everytime the year hits around here… you leaving and all.” He feels a metaphorical pain in his chest, like he’s being pierced with multiple needles at the same time. He feels like he’s dying. “But you’re back… I’m just glad you’re safe now. Now? I don’t know if that’s the right word. I don’t really… know what you’ve been doing for the past years. But just know I’m happy for you!”

“...Yeah… I’m glad I’m back too.” Chikage feels even more guilty than he did before, and gets up and out of the chair. “I’m gonna go get some water.”

“Ah, okay! I’ll see you around then.”

“Yeah. I’ll see you around too.”

Chikage walks out of the dormitory, and goes on a walk down Veludo Way. It’s way too early for anyone to be out, it being around 6:30 am at the time, and he can just see a couple people unloading stuff from trucks and stuff like that. The street is starting to wake up, and that’s fine. 

Chikage feels bad. Guilty bad. The worst kind-- and surely, a bad that Chikage had never experienced, being one who had to kill people constantly and deceive them and just completely recover from that. Some people he just generally liked as a person but fate didn’t align for them to actually build a relationship. He’s no stranger to feeling bad though, but not a guilty bad, he thinks, then remembering the fact that he kidnapped Izumi just to get back at him, but he was forgiven. And then he remembers his dream, shoving his hands into his pockets even harder in discomfort as he recalls his dream.

Chikage could never forgive himself. He failed at one of the only things he had genuinely promised. To protect the troupe. And maybe it was his fault, and maybe he should just leave again, sleep in the streets or maybe try to see if his hideout is still there. But they’re obviously glad he’s back, undeniably, he’s glad to see them too, even if he doesn’t show it, always putting up that stupid apathetic front to push them away again-- just like the start. He doesn’t want to start over. 

Not again.

—

Itaru is glad he doesn’t have to wake up early for today… not that he wouldn’t mind not waking up early everyday— but that’s beside the point when it’s already 1 pm, far past the time that he would usually wake up— even making his gamer-self feel bad. And that’s rare. But what's even more rare is the fact that the dorms are loud today, of all days, a lazy Sunday. 

He gets up and climbs down the loft bed to stretch a bit, and goes out to grab brunch, and opens the door to—

“Itaru-san!” Citron is already screaming at 1 pm, which is a completely normal time to scream because it  _ is  _ an afternoon hour, which Itaru constantly has to remind himself of because it is not normal to stay up until 4 am? 3 am? to snipe some guys from across the map in Apex.

“Citron… it’s so early… at least for me. What’s up?” He adds the “at least for me” part, even though Citron already knows that it’s early for Itaru specifically.

“Kazunari wants to go to a bar!”

“...A bar?” He says it like he didn’t hear it the first time.

“Mmhmm~!”

“A bar.” Itaru is completely deadpan— complete with the dead pan look on his face, an inhuman display of neutrality with just a tinge of disappointment. 

“You heard me!”

“I’m not going.” He turns his back and closes the door, completely giving up on grabbing the pizza from last night, but before he can even close, Citron holds it open. He gives up on trying to close it and tries to hear him out.

“Itaru~! Just celebrate with us for once!” He whines and scratches like a dog or cat thst wants to get in, but only to enter and exit the moment that they get in.

“For once? Everytime we finish a play we celebrate.”

“Yeah, but this lime it is different!”

“Time.”

“Time!”

“Different how?”

“We are celebrating Chikage’s return!”

At the end of that sentence he slams the door so quick, but makes sure not to slam Citron’s hand— he doesn’t want to go, but that doesn’t mean that he’s super mean. Citron is almost relentless with how he persists and keeps telling him about the bar. “Itaru…!” He whines and lengthens the -ru part of his name before slapping the door repeatedly with his hands. “I’ll give you an iTunes gift card…” Itaru’s ears almost perk up at the sound of that. He opens the door to Citron doing some puppy eye thing. It isn’t working, but the “gift” is.

“...How much?”

“How much will it need for you to come out with us?”

“...Fifty dollars, take it or leave it. And a free pizza in addition.”

“You do drive a hard ballgame!”

“Bargain.”

“What you said!” Citron smiles. “I will be going then! I will see you later, Itaru! 7 pm!” He skips off into… somewhere. Not even he’s sure where Citron is going, but it doesn’t matter to him. He always comes back, he thinks, as a subtle jab to a certain  _ someone _ . 

He walks towards the lounge to go to the kitchen, catching Izumi and Masumi, actually talking to each other like normal people— unexpected from the “psycho stalker” as Yuki puts it— mad props to him for coining that, he uses it all the time these days. 

But it is a re-realization of how different everything is. He can’t believe that it’s been 5 years since he joined, and is still here. He stops thinking when Masumi and Izumi glare at him as he walks by, bed hair and all.

He really is sorry, really, but he shouldn’t have to apologize for something he believes is true, right? Chikage shouldn’t even be able to stay here— even it is a little cruel. He’s reminded of where Chikage is— nowhere to be found— as usual, and Itaru scoffs to himself. But he knows he hasn’t left yet, because all those damn bags are still packed into his side of the room.

Itaru doesn’t remember Chikage having so much stuff on him, but maybe ever since he left he hasn’t had to deal with moving a lot. Assuming that from getting the apartment. He grabs some water from the kitchen and chugs it down, already refilling another one, as he warms up last week’s pizza in the toaster oven— for the pizza must be rewarmed in the correct way— the toaster oven for the right amount of crispiness.

He takes the pizza out and goes to the table and sits down, checking his phone again. This time, Tsuzuru had given the play to them physically and virtually, as he views the PDF again, reciting the lines again and again in his mind.

Itaru is definitely frustrated though, each time saying it, it comes out wrong, like it's devoid of emotion. He would ask the director but… he looks towards the direction of her room, already cancelling the idea out for certain reasons. He’s frustrated on multiple accounts too— Itaru can’t get this damn role down no matter how hard he’s trying, and he’s frustrated at Chikage, for a reason he knows is wrong. Maybe he will say sorry. Not to Chikage of course. But even when he gets past that, he’s still frustrated at him— and for what? He takes another bite of his pizza to finish it off, and puts his dishes in the sink. 

It’s food for thought, definitely.

—

4/30 - 3 years ago

// from: unromantic senpai (Utsuki Chikage)

to: uncute kouhai (Chigasaki Itaru)

//  **_at 12:14 am_ **

>>

unromantic senpai:

You’re awake, correct?

<<

uncute kouhai:

wh

<<

unromantic senpai:

Christ, you can’t look away from your game for one second?

>>

uncute kouhai:

im not playing im jerking it jeez…

<<

unromantic senpai:

Gross. Listen… I need to ask you a favor.

>>

uncute kouhai:

whats in it for me

<<

unromantic senpai:

So selfish. I’ll get you a pizza. Is that good? I’ll also dress up as that dumb anime character.

>>

uncute kouhai:

EMERALD IS NOT DUMB TAKE THAT BACK

<<

unromantic senpai:

Sure, sure, okay... But come pick me up. I’ll send you the address.

>>

uncute kouhai:

got it. ill see you in a bit, kay?

<<

unromantic senpai:

Thanks.

>>

uncute kouhai:

...wont it be kinda weird for me to like… be going somewhere rn

wait nvm i can just say im going for a convenience store run. which i will actually do bc i need some more energy drinks in my fridge. youre paying btw

<<

unromantic senpai:

Why are you like this?

>>

uncute kouhai:

u know u love me bby <3

Itaru gets up and grabs his keys. This isn’t the first time he’s been called for a favor, and he’s not planning to make it his last. He changes into something more acceptable rather than that jacket that faintly smells of body odor and desperation in the case that someone sees him.

It’s already pretty late, but some of the troupe members are still up-- they just had closing night and he guesses some of the members are stragglers that are still wide awake. He wouldn’t be able to blame them. He heads into the lounge, seeing Omi, Kazunari, and Tasuku still talking. Taichi and Banri are at the dining table playing some MOBA game that’s probably not very strategic, considering the fact that they’re both just tapping wildly on their screens. He’s surprised they haven’t broken the glass.

“Ey. Itaru.” Banri shouts at him as he hears the jingling of his keys. “Where are you going at this time?” He doesn’t even look up from his game, still tapping. 

He walks towards Banri and Taichi’s table to make them stop shouting so he wouldn’t have to get anything else for anyone. “Convenience store. Fridge is empty.”

“Can you get me some of those Korean spicy noodles? Chikage let me try one of them and they were real good.” Banri is still shouting for some reason, making Itaru’s eardrums feel like bursting just from the sheer volume of his voice.

“Dude, I’m right here.”

“Yeah, yeah… Taichi, you want anything?” Shit. Maybe he should’ve been more secretive. 

“Kazu-kun put me on this milk soda… and I don’t really wanna ask him for more because I told him I wouldn’t like it…” Taichi is whispering. 

“Taicchan! I hear you!” He runs up to Taichi after putting down his cards, Omi and Tasuku just staring at him. “I knew it! You do like it!”

“Sigh… you got me…”

“Anyways, yeah, I’m running out too Itarun! Get me some too!” He runs back to the table and starts playing again.

“You two have weird tastes.”

“Buy it, and we’ll see how you like it!”

“Sure.” He does a slight smile and a chuckle before leaving.

The cicadas are especially loud, now that the spring is slowly merging with summer, or more like summer with the humid heat that keeps on crashing down on them. It’s almost oppressive, like he can’t breathe. He goes to the car and starts driving.

—

// >> from: unromantic senpai (Utsuki Chikage)

to: uncute kouhai (Chigasaki Itaru)

// **_at 12:21 am_**

>>

unromantic senpai:

Come to this address.

<<

uncute kouhai:

why are you at a warehouse… damn you are far away… how did you get on the other side of town

>>

unromantic senpai:

Just hurry up. I need you.

<<

uncute kouhai:

you  _ need me?  _ awwww you depend on me

>>

unromantic senpai:

...Sure I do, Chigasaki. Keep your eyes on the road. See you.

<<

uncute kouhai:

ill be there in probably 20-30 mins

stay put 

—

In the car he sets up his navigation app to go to Chikage’s location, who’s still strolling around the block, which he doesn’t understand, but it’s fine because he’s staying in the same area.

This late at night, the lights of houses, office buildings, restaurants all seem to blur together into one big glob of light, except for the bright light of the traffic signals which— surprisingly— are all green. He doesn’t feel like he’s going fast enough though. He’s not sure whether or not Chikage is in serious trouble or not, because let’s face it— when will Chikage ever tell him anything about whatever he does, and there’s no way of telling whether or not he’s just too lazy and too damn cheap to call some Uber or cab. Like a cab would be running at this time in lowkey suburban Tokyo.

But it doesn’t matter to him. Itaru pulls up to some abandoned warehouse that Itaru just wants to zoom out of so bad, something is sketchy and something is definitely up. But what was he expecting from the man who goes out at ass crack am to deal with god knows what, and show up like nothing happened last night. Sketchy as hell.

>

uncute kouhai:

im here. come out

He waits a couple minutes after sending the text to Chikage, no response. Which would usually be fine, but today he’s really feeling the onset of some anxious feeling overtaking his body, like he didn’t get there fast enough. Soon enough, a shrouded figure comes out with some big duffel bag— not the best for this man’s image. He doesn’t need to know who it is, or make sure. He already knows it’s Chikage.

Itaru slowly rolls down the passenger window just to make sure, but when he sees the familiar glint of his glasses. His eyes are a bit glossed over, and his stance is shaky as he leans a bit over the window.

“Look who decided to show up. Chigasaki.”

“You make me want to leave you. But I won’t.”

“Gracious.” He opens the door himself, getting into the passenger seat, not even looking at Itaru as he gets in, only tilting his head towards the front, like he’s looking for something. “Thanks.”

Itaru gives him a silence like he’s egging Chikage to go on with what he said, like Chikage didn’t think he was finished with his sentence. He sighs. 

“...Thanks for picking me up.”

“Mmm.” Itaru starts up the ignition again. Chikage doesn’t respond to Itaru.

Itaru isn’t really paying attention to the road— which isn’t the best when you’re driving in silence, but some people need to make do. He’s paying more attention to the green haired man sitting right next to him, who winces at the slightest bump on the side when he has to make a sharp turn. Itaru breaks the silence. 

“...Are you okay, senpai?”

“Define okay.”

“Don’t be so snarky. I see you’re in pain.”

“How observant.”

“God, you are so condescending sometimes.”

“I get that.” The car is silent as he stares out the window, the city lights again blurring into one blob of light that makes anything that he’s trying to see incoherent. It’s almost dreamlike, the silence, the ambience, and the occasional jingle of the keys hitting each other. 

“You’re going to get blood on the seats.”

“Don’t worry, I cleaned it up and stitched it myself.”

“Senpai, excuse me for my language, but what the fuck? That’s batshit crazy.”

“It’s  _ fine. _ ”

“...Siri, can you direct us to the nearest hospital?”

“No.” Chikage sighs. “If they realize that someone that looks like me checked into a hospital, it’s over. Probably even more dangerous. Listen… just get me back to the dorms. I can always recover.”

“...Right. We need to hit up the convenience store. It’s kind of weird for me to be the person to pick you up, right? So I told them I was on a snack run, or whatever.” Chikage is silent. “...Mind telling me why you got stabbed? Actually— don’t tell me. I don’t really want to know, and I know you won’t tell me anything.”

Chikage stares at him. “You don’t want to know. Good call. But if it consoles you, I did more damage to the other party than they did to me.”

Itaru goes through an onset of emotions— on one hand, he’s happy? Chikage is alive and well, which is the least he could ask for from the IRL gods. He’s also angry because of this whole business. Itaru can’t imagine what would happen at the dorms if something bad happened to him; because that’s what happens when you go to confront a party who may or may not kill you. At least he isn’t hurt. That bad, he adds on in his mind. He doesn’t know when he started caring so much. It doesn’t matter, because before he can stop his stupid mouth, he’s already shouting. “I’m not worried about that, senpai!” 

“...No need to get so mad. I appreciate how passionate you are about this, but I just want to get home.” He almost whines his last word. “Please.”

Itaru had never seen anything or heard anything like that from him. “Christ… you know how worried I— we get when you just disappear like that?”

“Please, can we not do this right now? The least I need from  _ you,  _ Chigasaki, is a lecture on love and care.”

The car is silent, just filled with the sounds of their breathing— Chikage being a bit ragged in his breaths, and Itaru a little pissed off at him. But there’s no point in being angry, and he knows that. The navigation app is silent, he already knows his way back to the dorms, but he takes a sharp detour to get to the convenience store. The more the silence continues, the more it gets to him.

“Mind telling me what happened?”

“You don’t want to know that.”

“Chikage. I’m asking. I want to know.”

“What’s it to you?”

“Just fucking tell me. I don’t want to leave this alone like I do everything else, Chikage. I know what it’s like to not have anyone to talk to.”

“I can’t, and I wouldn’t even if I could. I promised to myself that I would protect everyone, and not get anyone else involved.”

“Then just tell me. You aren’t obligated to tell anyone else. I’ll keep your secret.”

There’s an air of awkwardness in the air, a little too heartfelt for the both of them. Too vulnerable. Chikage is looking out the window wistfully, Itaru seeing his reflection in his peripheral vision. He looks scared. A new look for him, that he registers in his mind, that deviation from what he usually is like. 

“...There were people after the troupe. That’s all. I needed to take care of them before they could find us.”

“...Are they okay? I mean, I shouldn’t be worried for what I would consider to be my enemies but like… did you kill someone tonight? I won’t rat you out. I mean, like I needed to clarify in the first place.”

“Yeah. I think. Not sure.” Chikage sounds like he’s breaking up over the phone, even if this is in real life. “They should be fine though. Nothing too deep.”

“I’m glad you’re alive.”

  
“I’d assume so.” Chikage puts his hands in his lap, and fidgets with the ring on his middle finger, twisting it around. He feels the ring’s bump on his skin. “...I expected you to scream.”

“What?”

“I’m surprised you’re calm about this.”

“I’m more disappointed with you than terrified that you almost killed a group of people.”

“...I did expect that. And I understand why. I definitely do deserve that.”

“I’m just… happy you’re alive. Can I ask you why you asked me? Izu— no, not Izumi, Tasuku knows how to drive. You know I was having my lounge time.”

Chikage just sits there like he didn’t hear the question, feeling the car slow down. Itaru is quiet as he pulls into the parking lot of the convenience store, handing Chikage the jacket he was wearing. “Here. Take this and zip it up.” Chikage puts the jacket on obediently, still keeping silent. 

“You’re my roommate and you have a car. I know you would hurry to come and pick me up because we’re both in Spring Troupe. You would drop what you’re doing. I know you’re worried about what I do, and come here, no matter how sketchy I am…. and if you found me sitting there, blood all over my face, you would still pick me up; albeit, a little terrified of me. Which would be understandable.” Chikage is quiet, letting the tension build up as neither of them exit the car to go outside, Itaru intently waiting for a response. He’s looking towards the large posters on the glass wall about whatever deal they have. “But… because I really wanted to spend time. With you. And the rest of Spring Troupe. I value you all a lot. You too, believe it or not. I wanted to drink with you guys, and have a little fun for once.”

Itaru is silent, no affirmation that he heard whatever Chikage said in that long spiel. “...Just come to me whenever you’re going out. So I know where you are.”

Chikage nods.

“Are you okay?”

“Yeah.”

“Can you get up?”

“Yeah.”

“Let’s go.”


	3. work

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> cw alcohol

Itaru is unhappy.

There’s a lot of things he could be doing right now, and he did not expect one of things he chose to do is to be outside in a bar today. With a lot of people. The things he does for money and food. People might call him a glutton, but he would say he just knows how to play his cards right, he thinks to himself as he slides his phone out of his pocket to play a mobile version of KniRoun— which is more just tapping on the screen really fast to kill enemies. 

The bar is decently big, 13 of them seated around a booth, Sakyo, Izumi, Tsumugi, Tasuku, Azuma, Chikage, Kazunari, Omi, Guy, Citron, Tsuzuru, and Homare. 12 excluding Itaru who isn’t really mentally there. But at least he’s there, with a tiny piece of comfort to get him through this arduous time. Arduous to him at least. 

The atmosphere is warm, with a sense of familiarity to it, the yellow lights making everyone look a bit more tan than they actually are. They’ve gone to a different bar this time, one that Chikage recommended (of course) and he won’t lie: this place has good food. 

Not that he’s doubting Chikage’s tastes— which he obviously can and will do, with his no taste buds no spice receptor having ass, but he’s doubting Chikage’s tastes, as he watches him sprinkle nanami that he had in his bag all over his side dish. Everyone is slowly sipping on their respective alcohol, Itaru with some fruity drink that he hasn’t touched a bit, as he takes out his phone just to inspect the time. 

Everyone is having their tiny bit of banter, especially with Chikage as he talks to them with an almost smile on his face, each of them going around, asking questions about whatever he’s doing. He’s not surprised that the conversations Chikage is conducting are not turning into shouting matches, as he’d expect. 

“Chikage! It hasn’t been a long time since I’ve seen you!” Homare shouts, almost alerting the entire bar to whatever their business is.

“Ah, yes. It’s been only a couple days, hm?” Chikage takes a bite of his tataki, savoring the taste a bit before he takes a sip of his weird craft beer that he knows how to pronounce for whatever reason.

“Couple days? Chikage, you’ve been around?” Tsumugi is slowly getting more and more roped into whatever conversation they’re having. Itaru is suddenly intrigued, his ears almost perking up like a cat’s, but not physically.”

“Yeah. I wanted to come around. The graveyard.” He gets a bit somber thinking about it, but still keeps up the slightly cheery demeanor. “It’s nice there.”

“It is.” Izumi chips in. 

“We chose it. Without you.” Itaru glares at Chikage from across the table, finally taking a sip of this damn drink that they called the One Night Stand. Lame name, he thinks, as he takes in another sip, feeling the coldness of the strawberry liqueur down his throat.

“Yeah… I know.” Chikage quickly changes the topic to something else, Itaru left behind to think as he slowly takes more of the fruity cocktail into his system. It’s hard to hear them over the sound of everyone else but it’s nice. It feels familiar. Like nothing’s changed. But he knows that things have changed. For some reason, everyone seems happy to see him. Him included— but he’d never say that. Itaru is happy. Sort of.

It’s a dilemma to miss someone so much that you feel your heart ache and twist but also hate them for leaving. It’ll go down in the textbooks maybe, a textbook example of a dilemma, but he hates it, this feeling of having to choose his emotions— when usually they would pick themselves, like most of the time. On one hand, Itaru is glad— maybe even overjoyed that he’s alive, but on the other, he’s angry that he’s alive and didn’t even tell him anything. He just left. 

But now is not the time to self loathe, as he gets out of the booth. “I’m going to the bathroom.” He quickly pockets his phone with the game still running into his standard jacket, unsure if Chikage caught it— which he probably did, but he doesn’t expect much from him, at least in the court of actually doing something.

But he can almost feel someone’s eyes burning into his back, specifically Chikage’s. He walks into the bathroom, the smell of booze and maybe just a little bit of piss— but he’s used to it, based on the idea that Itaru has had to deal with bar bathrooms ever since joined the damn workforce. But for some reason, the smell of booze is actually a bit pleasant— exclude the piss smell— with a maturity that exudes unconsciously.

He’s still playing the same game, watching Gawain slice some basic slime, Itaru tapping fiercely just to speed up the process— he has to rank for this event and these battles are a little long. Which is why he didn’t want to come, but he owes it to Izumi, who looked significantly more happy when she saw he was coming along for once, after he had declined the past 3 weeks.

But this train of thought is stopped suddenly as soon as the sound of the bathroom door swings open, with a slight bang on the wall, not nearly loud enough to disturb him, but Itaru gets quiet, raising his feet off the ground.

“Chigasaki.” Chikage has a stern voice now. 

Itaru is silent. It’s Chikage. He really doesn’t want to talk to him. 

“I know you’re in here.” Shit.

“No, you don’t.” 

“Just come out. I want to talk.”

One of the worst phrases ever to come out of his mouth, other than “uncute junior.” He walks out a little dejected.

“I don’t want to talk to you.”

He walks away from Chikage, slowly walking to the door with a tinge of tantrum in his steps.

“Wait.”

Itaru continues to walk out before he feels a hand on his wrist pulling him back.

“Wait.” He tightens his grip on Itaru’s arm, forcing him to turn around, their eyes meeting for a bit, Itaru just staring him down as hard as he can which, surprisingly, has a little effect on him. 

“What?” Itaru’s voice is cold and steely. “What do you have to say?”

“I’m here to say sorry.” Chikage is completely, wholly serious, his voice echoing in the bar’s bathroom. He pulls Itaru closer, close enough to where he can smell Chikage’s scent, smelling faintly of alcohol, cigarettes, and oddly but not really oddly enough, gunpowder. 

“...You… you’re saying sorry.” Itaru doubts Chikage a bit looking into his eyes, for some reason are full of sincerity.

“Yes.” Chikage’s face is telling that he’s still serious, which comes as a bit of a surprise to Itaru.

“...What happened?”

“What do you mean?”

“You’re saying sorry to me.”

“And? I’m sorry. Izumi told me about everything.”

“Izumi?”

“Yeah.”

“She told you?”

“No, I asked her.”

“You asked  _ Izumi  _ how  _ I  _ felt before you came to me?” Itaru questions him fiercely, his eyes set alight with a tinted anger.

“I thought you wouldn’t respond.”

“But still? You didn’t even try coming to me first? That’s not fucking right, Chikage.” Itaru can feel a little bit of the alcohol in his brain, his thoughts becoming less coherent as he goes on.

“Listen, I’m sorry. I didn’t know you would be so… distraught over me leaving.” Chikage feels a bit awkward, a first for him— then again, tonight might just be the week of firsts, maybe even month.

“I— you didn’t know? Did that moment mean  _ nothing  _ to you?” He thinks back to the first time Itaru went to pick Chikage up.

“It meant something to me, I just— I thought you might’ve been glad, like—“ 

“ _ Glad _ ? Listen; I love having a room to myself but  _ glad? _ Chikage. You— You really do— matter to me. You still do, but right now I can’t fuckin—“ Itaru chokes up, frustrated that he can barely get the words out, trying so hard but everytime he says the next word it comes out wrong. “I’m going.” Itaru is tearing up as he slowly feels a burst of energy, breaking away from Chikage’s grip before bursting through the bathroom doors.

He’s almost running through the bar, passing by his table.

“Itaru?” Izumi sees him, tears almost in his eyes as he runs past, Chikage trailing behind. “...Chikage.” She pinches the bridge of her nose in frustration. “What’d you do?” Izumi is stern with her voice, almost a scolding tone. 

“I said sorry.” 

“Listen, just give him some time.” Izumi looks at Itaru exit the bar, slowly, almost pitifully. “He needs it.”

— 

Itaru is humiliated.

Crying in front of everyone, well, at least almost crying. God, what if one of his coworkers were there?

He’s walking along the sidewalk of Veludo Way, the night street slightly bustling with the sound of footsteps moving past. The odd warmth on Veludo Way’s spring day slowly sets into the environment, making Itaru slightly sweat through his undershirt that’s just the slightest bit restrictive, as he unbuttons his jacket and then a button off the collar of his undershirt. Much better.

Itaru has much to think about— which Itaru is definitely not used to, as the thoughts race through his mind like they’re Olympic runners.

He’s not angry. He thinks he should be though, as he sits down onto a bench, the weird rustling of the banners hanging from building to building making this day feel off. Everything about this day feels off. Especially the fact Chikage was motivated to say sorry— which half the time (when he was here) he would probably say, “I’m sorry that you felt that way.” like he wasn’t at fault. But a genuine, I’m sorry? 

He takes off his jacket finally, pulling out his phone. Lots of new notifications that he clears immediately, opening his game up again. The area around the bench is secluded, so he knows he can play here. 

He can feel the wind getting his hair into his eyes— god he wishes he was home, but after that whole fiasco, he doubts he can go back. Unless Chikage is doing something. But he really doesn’t want to talk about it with Izumi. As understanding as she is, he isn’t in the mood to deal with whatever advice she has to give. 

He opens up, Lancelot posing on his home screen saying something about Gawain. How fitting. He immediately turns off the phone after thinking about it a little bit. He can’t even try to escape this. He gets up again, taking a longer walk to an even less busy street. He’s gone really far, he thinks, as he looks at his surroundings, a little bit unfamiliar— as far as six years in the same place can be familiar. 

Something is different, he thinks, Itaru settling into the chair and getting comfortable, basking in the sunset’s light that casts shadows long, the silhouettes of people stretching across the sidewalk. It’s not that he’s worried about how everyone else perceives them, they see each other every single day (on a non ranking week). Nothing’s changed. They’re all still close knit— even more close knit than how they were before.

Nothing’s changed.

Everyone talks like they used to, everyone is still friends, even Chikage with everyone else. And there is literally no evidence that Chikage hates him, and he completely understands why he had to go. There’s no evidence that he’s less than glad to see him again after three years.

So why is he so stressed, he thinks to himself, screaming his lungs out internally in anger. He fusses with his phone, turning it over and over again, playing with the home button and the speaker, feeling the engravings on his hand, stroking it fast then slow to pass the time.

“...Chigasaki.” Chikage pulls up to the bench in the troupe’s car. 

“...Chikage.” He looks like a child that ran away after his iPad got taken away. Chikage hasn’t really changed either. Maybe more well mannered. Maybe more well meaning than he was the first time around. His skills are still the same, as Chikage parks on the side, and comes out the car, wearing his signature outfit that doesn’t look like it wore down at all in the past three years.

“Why are you here?”

“Can you just… wait this time. Come into the car. I’ll drive you back.”

“How do I know you aren’t kidnapping me?”

“Why would I need to kidnap you?”

“...To force me to accept your apology?”

“Even I know that’s not how it works.”

“Trying to make a joke here.”

“Not a very good one.” They both chuckle a bit.

Nothing’s changed.

“I’m sorry.” Chikage pauses. “Again. Let me try this again— okay?” He looks to Itaru for approval, almost looking more timid than he used to.

“...you were never unable to.” He mumbles under his breath, almost feeling bad for the green haired man sitting next to him, until his asshole smirk pops up again, his slight irritation, and urge to hurt Chikage in more ways than one increasing. 

“Can we move into the car? I… I can gather my thoughts better there.”

“Sure.”

“Thanks.”

They both get up from the bench, the sun already down, the feeling like time passed by so fast, as Itaru checks his phone for the time. It’s 7:48 pm, Itaru says to himself, as he gets into the car.

“So…?”

“So.”

“Go on…”

Chikage starts the ignition, pulling out of the parallel park, taking his time this time.

“How’d you come find me?”

“A spy never tells his secrets.”

“Mmm.” Itaru can’t help but be irritated, Chikage backtracking. 

“Sorry. I put a tracker on your phone a while back.”

“Dude, what?”

“Kidding. Or am I?” He laughs at Itaru’s kid-like face, pouting like there’s no tomorrow.

“I just needed to talk to you. I don’t want to let this opportunity go.”

“You had a lot of opportunities.”

“I’m aware.”

“A lot.”

“You said that.”

“Now what do you have to say now?”

“Well, as if you haven’t heard it enough— but I’m sorry. Really.” Chikage takes a deep breath, as he nears closer to the dorms. “We need to patch whatever we have up and since it’s quite out of character for me to take initiative in these intrapersonal relationship fixers, I need you to know that I am aware of my mistake, I really should have just come to you. I just didn’t… assess the situation correctly.”

“Wow.” Itaru is stupefied, just sitting in the car chair.

Now the feelings are really rushing in.

“What?”

“I…” Itaru is just sitting there, unsure of what to say, but Itaru’s sudden interjection stops the conversation right then and there. “...okay. Thanks. I forgive you.”

“Is that it?”

“What?”

“Were you expecting… more work?”

“I’m new to this type of stuff, Itaru— at least doing it in a genuine way.”

“I know.”

“Well… I’m glad you forgive me.”

That definitely shuts them up, setting in a familiar aura of familial awkwardness that Itaru can’t wait to get out of, as they pull into the driveway. Izumi is waiting at the entrance, reading some book about dealing with children— like she has to still, but it doesn’t hurt. He slowly gets out at the same time as Chikage.

“...So?” Izumi looks at Chikage and Itaru inquisitively, almost confused as to what happened— as neither of their faces display great discomfort but also not happiness. Which is what she wanted— but hey, Rome wasn’t built in one day. After a momentary silence, Izumi whips her head around to look at Itaru. 

“Don’t run off like that again.” She punches the side of his arm, and walks inside.

Chikage and Itaru quickly shuffle back to their room, Chikage already packing up all his stuff for another trip out.

“Where are you going?”

“Can’t tell you.”

“I figured as much. See you.”

“See you.” Chikage quickly rushes out of the room, leaving Itaru in his messy room, as he gets up from his chair to flop all over the even messier couch, as he moves around some tissues and cans down the floor, laying up and looking at the ceiling, where there’s literally nothing there. Perfect for him. To be alone with one’s thoughts.

Itaru feels bad. He doesn’t know why he feels bad, but he definitely feels bad about something, as he stares up into the whiteness of the ceiling that feels almost engulfing and suffocating for some reason, as he sits up to walk over to his computer to turn it on, taking a seat in his gamer chair, slouching so heavily- even more heavily than usually. He’s tired.

And the first step to becoming “untired” is to address the elephant in the room. Chikage is here and he still, even after all that shit that just went down, does not know how to cope with it. Like he said, Chikage didn’t leave because he resented MANKAI. So why does he feel so bad? He needed time to grieve and time to deal with the stack of bullshit he needed to deal with after his death. It’s fine. 

But as cliche as it is, it’s not fine. Itaru is trying so hard to distract himself, but you can only lose yourself in a game so much. He needs to perceive the reality of him being here.

He straightens up in his chair slowly and groans a bit before laying his fingers and hand on the keyboard before determining that he’s too tired to game for once, which he’s surprised by and can barely push through as he gets up, leaving his computer on as he goes up the ladder to fall asleep.

He doesn’t even need to try.

—

Itaru already is dreading the idea of going to work now that Chikage is here, the thought not even crossing his mind during the weekend-- which makes complete sense, being that for the past three days he’s been thinking of Chikage. Which says a lot about him, really. 

But now he’s been cursed with Chikage hovering over him as they both sit in the car to work, the silence almost deafening, except for the Idolmaster song quietly in the background— which doesn’t surprise Chikage because of his prior experience with Itaru. But when Chikage looks at him, Itaru has a regained focus while he hums along to the song.

Which definitely matters, because for the first time in a while, Chikage is sweating nervously, on the same level as Itaru trying to force down his feelings vomit back into his stomach, but less visible, as he breaks the silence that’s harder than permafrost with his humming— when as a matter of fact— he didn’t really need to do that, when not even god could save this car ride that keeps dragging on and on.

Chikage doesn’t say anything as they pull into the parking lot of the office building quickly, trying to get in without anyone seeing them— which is practically impossible as they rush in, Chikage hearing whispers of “why are Chigasaki and Utsuki-senpai together?” and “why’d they come into work together?” with the occasional coo, which isn’t very helpful to Itaru’s reddening face as he drags Chikage by the hand to round the hall. Itaru stops to catch a little more breath before starting.

“This is so fucking humilating.”

“Does it matter?”

“...Yeah? I have an image to keep up here, and I can’t lose out on that.”

“Listen, we came together once. I’m sure this won’t happen again.”

“What about the like… 8 weeks till closing night?

“I’ll be fine. I can figure something out.” Chikage goes on his phone. 

“God, can we just go. I’ll see you after work.”

“Yeah.”

They walk down the hall, opening the door to the office, and go to their separate cubicles.

—

It’s break, and Itaru is nowhere to be seen, as usual, but Chikage is in the lunchroom poking slowly at his food, which is just an onigiri, which isn’t the most filling thing but he’s subsisted on worse before. He picks it up and takes a bite, looking up at the lunchroom, which is one of multiple in the building, one of the smaller ones, so he’s not around many people at all. But the same sterilized environment starts to get him, falling into the same daily pace, almost making him forget the fact that he had to come to work with Itaru this morning.

Itaru really made a bigger deal than it was, he thinks, remembering his little pouting face as he walked away, his face obviously showing that he was stomping away in his head. Or at least wanted to stomp away, but that isn’t the most appropriate thing to be doing in a workplace setting. His thoughts are interrupted by a voice coming out from the door frame, as he turns his head towards the open door, seeing his coworker in it.

“Utsuki-senpai!” 

He looks around for a bit before registering the fact that there’s someone trying to talk to him, which he wasn’t really expecting while he’s in here, as literally no one comes in here except for him, unless someone really needs to talk to him. “Ah, Yui-san. Hi.” He plasters a small smile onto his face like he’s switching on a light. 

“So… You were seen coming in with Chigasaki-san, I’ve heard.” She pulls out a chair and sits down next to Chikage, putting down her lunch on the table, and opening up the tupperware.

Chikage sighs, struggling to keep that smile taped on with the shitty tape that can’t even stick to walls. “Yeah.” He pauses after a bit of silence, the room stale with slight fear that he’s mad. He’s definitely not mad, that’s what he knows, but he’s definitely tired of hearing the same shit over and over again, since he got here. “What about him?” He’s obviously coming off a little angry that she’s asking about it, which he’s trying so hard not to do— but to no avail.

“Ah… sorry if I made you mad, the workplace has just been a bit curious… we’ve never really seen you interact with him— that’s all!” She tries to reciprocate Chikage’s fake smile with a smile of his own, overbearing— but Chikage can appreciate the effort. “It’s just that he’s a pretty popular actor… Do you know him?” She’s obviously interested in Itaru.

Chikage doesn’t know what to say— whether to say no, they just happened to meet (which doesn’t make sense) or to say yes. And tell them everything. He decides on a half truth. “Ah, I didn’t know he was an actor!” He quietly adds a “still” at the end, so they can’t call him out if they knew his past. “My car broke down, so I just needed a ride here. I recognized Chigasaki-san as I’ve seen him around. He’s quite the popular one.”

“Hah, yeah. He’s very handsome… even I can see that. Never got the chance to talk to him though.” Chikage already knows why, and rolls his eyes in “it was expected from you, but I’m still disappointed.” He adds a side remark. “Are you two sure you have nothing going on?”

Chikage almost wants to facepalm and walk out, but he needs to retain the caring senpai act for a while, so he sucks it up, and stifles his anger to squeeze out at least a tiny neutral remark. “Yeah. We only came to work together like… once. I don’t know why you’re so interested in this.”

“He  _ is  _ handsome… and he’s nice to boot.” 

Are you kidding me? “You sound like  _ you  _ have a crush on him.” She immediately blushes when Chikage even mentions the idea that she has a crush on him. 

“Well, can you blame me?”

Chikage wants to roll his eyes so bad, but rolling his eyes in his mind will just have to do as he tries to formulate his sentence, “Really?” Chikage speaks with disbelief in his voice, like he forgot that no one really is aware of his gamer side. She’s completely unaware of his second side. “I mean, he is handsome. But have you ever even… talked to him? Not doubting his social skills or his personality, but I’m just wondering. You need to know what you’re getting into.

“Well…” She thinks to herself, obviously like she hadn’t talked to him a while. Which is probably right. “I’ve talked to him like… once…? Maybe twice, but that was just in a meeting.” 

“Well, how can you have a crush on him?”

“He’s so nice! I don’t think there’s a way to  _ dislike  _ him. Seriously.” Yui-san looks as if she’s literally swooning, like she’s leaning back in her chair so far back she might fall.

“Mhmmmm…”

“Well, you’re a downer.” She goes back into her food as Chikage finishes up his onigiri.

“Suit yourself. I’m heading back to my desk.” 

“I’ll see you later. Oh, I forgot what I came to tell you! The boss wants to talk to you. Something about a trip?” 

“I’ll be sure to head over.” 

Trip? He walks quickly out of the break room to escape the awkward atmosphere that he created himself, which is extremely unlike him to do, when he’s usually a bit charismatic in the workplace. His boss doesn’t really intimidate him, as he walks through the hall to head into the office, bumping into Itaru in front of the door.

“... Are you going in?” Itaru looks at him with a neutral face, but he can see the anxiety setting in behind it, as he still keeps up his refreshing businessman facade in front of Chikage, which is a bit irritating, but it’s okay.

“Depends on what you think.” Chikage gives him a shit-eating smirk, a wild difference from the shit-eating grin that Chikage would usually give him.

“Do I really need to say?” He seems a bit tired, huffing a bit from his nose in slight frustration.

They’re both silent for a bit before they start walking, entering the room together. The room is a bit more colorful than most of the office, with the same fish tank still there, and the shelves filled with photos of places he’s been and the occasional family photo.

“Ah! Utsuki-san, Chigasaki-san. Sit down. I’ve been looking for you two.” The last words strike some sort of fear into Itaru’s heart, almost to the same level of “we need to talk”. “Have you two met?”

“Yes, we have.” Itaru speaks up. “We don’t really… talk much however.”

“Ishii-buchou, what did you need from both of us?” Chikage saves Itaru the energy that he would use if he were to speak to him, which he’s obviously thankful for.

“So, my daughter Kaede is having her birthday soon, and I have a trip to go on with a foreign investor, so you can imagine the dilemma I’m having.” He says it in such a condescending way it hurts a little.

“Oh, happy early birthday to your daughter! So what do you want us two to do?” Chikage is still speaking, taking the lead.

“I’m going to need you two to take a trip on my behalf. You two are our most important and reputable workers here, and I think you two would be a good pair.” He smiles fakely from behind the desk. “Could you two please do this?”

Itaru’s eyes widen open. Can this day get much worse? He wants to scream but he’s still in the office. Chikage still looks fine though, he notices, still keeping up the responsible front up, looking directly at Ishii, while Itaru looks at him with fish eyes, like he’s been asked to move the entire office building.

Chikage speaks up first. “Definitely. I would love this opportunity.” He side eyes Itaru to respond. 

“Ah, yes, sure.” Shit.

“Great! You guys will be going by the end of this week! You two can go now. I’ll send you more information over email.”

Fuck.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i forgot to publish at midnight last night bc for reasons unbeknownst to me (i was playing golf on roblox and got unreasonably mad) but its published now... hope u enjoyed


	4. leaving

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i literally forgot to update and it's 10:16 pm oopsies !!! anyways hmmm this chapter is sorta short compared to the others but i think it's fine . its okay. not everything has to be perfect

Itaru doesn’t really need much, so a single duffle bag and a suitcase might be able to fit everything— as he’s probably not going to be able to bring his entire gaming setup— which he is not ashamed to admit the fact that he did think about it (and tried, but stopped when he realized he would have to lift the actual desktop.) 

As usual, Chikage is finished already, always ready to go and packed up all nice and neat. He sighs as he finally finishes zipping up the suitcase after stuffing in the rest of his stuff, which doesn’t necessarily make sense, because all he has is some nice clothes, a suit, a 3DS and some undergarments, of course.

He pulls himself away from the suitcase almost viciously, picking up the bag to leave it outside the door, and slowly make its way to the van, as they are going to be leaving later today. He picks it up by its handle and struggles a bit to pick it up, finally picking it up and heading to the front door.

He’s definitely dreading this trip, as for some reason, this suitcase he would normally be able to carry isn’t as manageable as he previously thought, but that barely matters to him when he has more pressing things to think about— like going on a business trip, (where he has to be professional practically 24/7, no gaming either) so Chikage’s existence has barely any effect on his psyche, when he’s mostly just in a tired state constantly.

He finally makes it to the front door, but coincidentally, as always, Chikage is standing right there in front of him.

“...Need help?”

Itaru looks at Chikage in front of him, staring at him absentmindedly, before Chikage taps him on the shoulder to make Itaru notice him.

“Oh, uh… Yeah. Sure.” Chikage takes the suitcase from Itaru’s hands effortlessly, like there was nothing in it, Itaru turning back around to pick up his duffel bag. 

“I’m putting it into the car.”

“Go ahead. I’ll meet you up there. We’re leaving in half an hour, okay?”

“See you.”

Itaru goes to the longue and dumps his duffel bag on the couch, sitting down with it, and taking out his phone, fiddling with the handle a bit. It’s late and dark outside, and barely anyone is awake, except for the couple people awake, who are the usual— Tsuzuru and Azuma.

But the one anomaly is awake— Izumi, who’s always preaching about sleeping early.

“Hey, Itaru.”

“Hey.”

“You’re going soon, I see.”

“Yeah.”

Izumi goes to the kitchen and pours herself a cup of hot water and puts a tea bag in. It’s slow and methodical, and Itaru feels like he can hear each and every movement— like just for a moment he had super hearing. He disregards it immediately, chalking it off as some weird thing that happens to him all the time, as Izumi comes back to sit down on the couch next to him.

She stops and lets her face fall into a resting position, calm as she takes a sip of her tea. 

“I didn’t prepare you one because you’re going soon, is that okay with you?”

“Yeah. I’m not really in the mood anyways.”

She chuckles a bit before taking another sip of her tea. “Thought so.”

She looks back towards the front, basically staring at nothing, exactly like Itaru is, but at least she has something to do. For some reason, time feels like it had stopped while she drinks the tea, the dust not settling anywhere. She takes another, more lengthy sip of her tea before turning to Itaru. 

“Hey.”

“Yeah?”

Itaru can smell the tea on her breath carry over towards him, the faint scent of valerian softly whispering over his nose, and the sound of farewell slightly ringing throughout the dorms. The room reverberates with melancholy after she says it, like her statement echoes, when in reality, it just stops. It isn’t much different to some days where the dorms are quiet and soundless, and just the slightest conversation is somehow out of the norm. Izumi takes a breath.

“Are you going to be okay?”

Itaru is surprised by the question, but not visibly so, just the sign of his attention being pulled towards her. “Yeah, why?”

“Well… it’s just you… Chikage…”

“It’ll be fine, Izumi. I’ve survived worse.”

“No gaming except for mobile though.”

“Well, that’s the real mission here. To live through the week without straight up dying.” Itaru tries to force out a laugh, to but on at least a little bit of the façade he can usually put on at work, but it comes out empty and soulless— which isn’t really much different from how he usually is at work. But at least a little more _heart_ is put into it, he thinks before Izumi notices and immediately starts talking.

“Listen. If Chikage does anything to you, call me ASAP.” Izumi looks into his eyes sternly and with a matter-of-factness that she only uses when she’s giving orders in practice.

“He won’t.”

“I don’t mean physically.”

“He won’t. I’ll be fine.”

“Just… I’m a bit worried. You reacted terribly—“

“Seriously, Izumi. I’m over him, and I’m over it. I’ll be fine. I know you’ll back me up anyways. Thanks.”

Izumi sighs loudly, finishing up her tea in a swift gulp. She gets up slowly, the couch creaking a little bit— but not enough to warrant the purchase of another one. “I’ll be going to sleep.” She goes to the trash can and throws away her tea bag, and fills up the old mug with water again, before passing by Itaru. “Have a nice trip, okay?”

“Thanks, Izumi.”

Itaru definitely knows that he isn’t over Chikage. Not in the dating way, the dating breakup way that that sentence could definitely be taken as a dating breakup way. Not that he would be opposed to dating Chikage. Which is a lie, of course. Maybe.

But his train of thought is stopped immediately by the shut of a door and the open of another, as he sees Chikage enter the lounge, picking up a couple things he left on the counter. “Oh, are you ready?”

“I’ve never been more ready.” Itaru’s fake enthusiasm doesn’t even scratch the surface of trying to convince him that he’s completely happy to go on this damned business trip, when he so obviously feels like he’s been cursed with having to do anything.

“Yeah.” Chikage’s voice is soulless as he looks towards the hallway, and the exit, and starts walking there slowly, and Itaru follows close behind.

“You have the tickets, right?”

“Yeah.” Itaru opens the door to the car and gets in. It smells like a citrus scent that isn’t too intense and he hands Itaru the aux to play something.

“I’m not in the mood for anything in particular. The airport isn’t too far anyways.” He sighs and buckles his seatbelt, Itaru following in his footsteps a bit after he does it.

Itaru doesn’t play anything though, instead opting in for the radio, because he doesn’t trust himself to play anything fitting for the car ride to the airport, playing the same slow jam as they were last night— I mean, what can he say? It is definitely a vibe, as he taps his feet slowly to the beat, not bringing any attention to him because Chikage is so focused on driving for no reason. Or maybe he’s faking it, and just doesn’t want to acknowledge the fact that he and Itaru are going to have to spend a week doing whatever their boss was going to do.

He’s definitely glad for the opportunity though. Maybe he’ll be able to game even harder later. It’ll all pay off in the end. They merge into the highway slowly, and the road seems like it goes on forever, but that’s fine, when the airport is only half an hour away.

All he needs to do is endure this week. It can’t get much worse.

—

There are some situations where someone can trick themselves into believing their own lie— which Itaru almost does, until Chikage touches his hand while picking up their luggage and putting it into the trolley cart. This shouldn’t be such a big deal, he says to himself in his mind to calm himself down, but to no avail, when Chikage looks at him weirdly, then looks away quickly to push the cart towards the now opening elevators. 

“Hurry up. The elevator is gonna close soon.”

Chikage doesn’t look at him as he says that, pushing the luggage cart into the elevator, as Itaru rushes in. 

“Can you push 25?”

“Yeah. Okay.”

The air is a bit stiff and smoky, the scent of nicotine filling the elevator, even if there is a no smoking sign plastered next to the button interface but it doesn’t matter to him, when he knows no one follows that rule anyways— or just the scent of smoke imprinting and soaking into the elevator walls. Contrary to popular belief, the elevator does _not_ play music in America— which Itaru is only slightly disappointed about, as he tries so hard to occupy his thoughts to force out Chikage.

But it’s a different type of freedom when Itaru and Chikage finally get out, into less smoky, less stifling air. The design is slightly ornate— as ornate as the modern style can get, Itaru perceives as he looks around off the railing, the center of which being a large fountain. Chikage stops and pulls out the room key, which isn’t actually a key. 

“Get in. I’m tired.”

Chikage is visibly irritated— for select reasons, the reasons being that the lady at the receptionist desk did not believe them when they said they were here on business, and in fact bachelors, or maybe even dating. Which Chikage _immediately_ shoots down with his inaccented English. Itaru can’t lie— he is impressed.

The inside of the room feels a lot better, with the smell of fresh linen, and the clean, finally non smoky air that he needed. It’s modern— again, with gray tones scattered across the room, with splashes of color— and modern paintings which anybody could have made. 

But the real kicker is the window/sliding door that opens up to the balcony, which overlooks the city, and allows you to see the twinkling lights overtake the stars, as Itaru walks over to the sliding door, looking towards the sky, leaving Chikage to do whatever he has to do alone.

“Could you help, please?”

Chikage doesn’t really need the help.

“It’s two bags, senpai. It’s fine.”

Chikage sighs, and carries the other bag to his side of the bedroom, and puts it onto his bed. 

“Let’s unpack. We won’t be here for a while, but I’d like us to get organized in the meantime.”

Which reminds him— his only criticism of the bedroom is the fact that it’s only one room, and Itaru would prefer his privacy. Especially with Chikage. And even if they do dorm together. For now.

Chikage is already finished, taking out the last couple pieces of clothing, leaving the now single mound of electronics in his bag, some of which he recognizes from the dorm— but no matter, he thinks, once he hears his stomach rumble.

“Can we get food?” Itaru is a bit timid with it, still looking down at his suitcase, even if it’s already empty. He feels around a bit before Chikage responds.

“...What?”

“Did you not just hear my stomach growl?”

His voice is deadpan, with only the slightest bit of questioning coming from his cords. “Yeah, I did— but now? It’s 1 am, Chigasaki.” 

“So? I eat when I want.” Which is a half lie, coming from Itaru, who has now localized almost a family’s fridge worth of food into his tiny mini fridge next to his gaming setup— which he had posted “DO NOT TOUCH” in big bright red letters on the door, when he already knows Banri is gonna go through it. That’s fine. He knows he won’t take much anyways, when he could just grab Omi’s leftovers.

Chikage sighs, before grabbing a laptop from his suitcase. “And what is this about ‘we’? I’m halfway done with today, and we haven’t even started the day.”

Itaru is practically done with Chikage— because the only thing worse than being with Chikage at this moment, at this time, is being with Chikage when he’s being pissy. “God, we can just get In ‘n Out. Don’t need to be an ass about it. Nice facade you put up. I would have liked it if you kept it up until at _least_ the end of this trip.”

Chikage thinks for a bit, sighs, and then starts walking to the bathroom. “Let me splash my face with water first.” He completely disregards the facade part of his sentence, quickly moving to the sinks. He grabs the keys out of his pant pockets, and jingles them around. “Let’s go.”

—

No, it is not weird to be eating a burger in a In ‘n Out at 2 am. Especially in Los Angeles, which is filled with its fair share of night owls— well as much as these people could be considered night owls. Clubbing isn’t the most productive thing to do at night— but he respects the hustle.

But is it unbecoming? Maybe for Chikage, but not for Itaru, who is fully immersed in his laze which gives him an aura of carelessness, as he dives into the fry carton for the last fry, crunching away. Chikage’s burger wrapper sits on the table sadly, Itaru taking a look around.

The In ‘n Out is bustling for 2 am, with its diaspora of tired barely twenty, or almost thirty year old people scattered across the room— with— for some reason, this overly brown and white aesthetic going on throughout the restaurant. It’s larger than usual, the tables a bit more spread apart, and the sounds sparse, with a low chatter from the kitchen and from the tables around them, which is all he can hear from the corner of the store— god bless that no one can really see them. He takes a quick look at Chikage’s side of the booth.

“...Are you really gonna eat just that?” He glances back at his meal, which has all the fixins— the milkshake, fries, etc.

“Didn’t know you cared so much about my caloric intake.” Chikage snarkily bites back, taking out his phone and scrolling through it.

“What about it?”

“Dunno. Just thought about stuff for a bit.” Chikage says it as passive aggressively as possible to Itaru.

“We didn’t have to go here, if you’re so… against being here right now. My stomach needs food, Utsuki-senpai.”

“No, no.” He says it with a tone that’s more similar to aggressive than passive. “It’s fine.”

“I’m not gonna argue with you. I’m just trying to be nice.” He gets up.

“What’d I do wrong?” Chikage says it like he’s the most innocent person in the world, but still with that shit eating tone that sounds like he’s won— when he hasn’t, if there ever _was_ a winner for this nonexistent competition. “I’m acting perfectly normal.”

“Don’t do that shit with me, _Chikage_.” Itaru starts to get only a little mad, but still keeping it under wraps in order to prevent him from actually snapping in this restaurant— figuratively and literally. “You know what I mean.” He takes a final bite of his burger, and wipes his mouth. “We literally could’ve just ordered In ‘n Out to our hotel room. I have Uber Eats on my phone. I just wanted to go out with you. Might as well catch up right? You’re obviously closed off to the idea.” He takes a large sigh in the gap of time from Itaru’s words and Chikage’s silence that somehow irritates him, when it shouldn’t. “We’re going now. I don’t want to stay here any longer.”

Chikage doesn’t respond, but he does get up. He gathers all the trash onto the tray and leaves Itaru there.

_Fuck._

He walks to the door, Itaru taking the tray and throwing the trash away.

_There are a lot of things he could’ve said,_ Chikage thinks as he opens the door, looking at Itaru who quickly overtakes him to get to the care even faster. _Why did I choose that? Why did I choose to push him away yet again?_ Chikage doesn’t want to think, as he gets into the car, and stares at the windshield, keys not yet in ignition. His stare isn’t blank though— which is obvious when he sighs. _I have a job to do. He’s not a part of it. It does not matter. It shouldn’t matter to me at all._

Itaru pokes him once, looking directly at him. “Chikage. Are we going to go?”

“Fucking… give me a moment.” He takes a breath.

“Chikage. Why are you so pissy today? Did I do something? Trying to squash this bullshit so I don’t have to think about it either.” 

“Nothing. It’s fine. Don’t want to hear it right now.” He starts the ignition quickly, pulling out of the parking lot, and speeding off into the night towards the hotel. 

Chikage makes a lot of mistakes. A lot is an understatement— obviously, but genuinely, he thinks he may or may not have overreacted to whatever Itaru said— which wasn’t even offensive in intention or what he said.

_Stupid decision. I have to work with this guy for the next week. Why did I say that?_

Itaru can feel the car get faster and faster the more Chikage says stupid in his inner monologue— which he is not aware of, of course, but all he can wonder is why Chikage is so pissy. He half crosses his arms, and unpockets his phone out of the jacket pocket to check his messages.

—

5/1

// from: kantoku (Tachibana Izumi)

to: irresponsible itaru (Chigasaki Itaru)

// **_at 3:12 am_ **

>>

kantoku:

did you get there safe, Itaru?

<<

irresponsible itaru:

yeah why?

>>

kantoku:

am I not allowed to be worried?

listen, you’re there with Chikage. I just need to know if everything is...

good. between you two.

<<

irresponsible itaru:

as good as me and chikage can get

hes being rlly pissy rn

dunno what i did tho…

we went to In n’ Out. i was hungy

>>

kantoku:

just making sure…

what do you mean pissy? Chikage is generally like that, Itaru.

<<

irresponsible itaru:

just more than usual. wont even let me talk.

not like i was trying to talk. i asked him

“oh are you sure thats all ur gonna eat??”

and he went all like

“blah blah blah didnt know u cared about me”

when obviously i did.. i told him to stop trying to start shit w me

>>

kantoku:

doesn’t sound… the best. I _definitely_ wouldn’t want to be there.

just… text me if something goes down between you two. nothing petty, Itaru. no time to hear you have some petty gossip or complaint about him. there’s a lot of stuff… going on here.

if he’s shitty to you, I'll kick him out. it’ll be fine.

<<

irresponsible itaru:

thnxs

i rlly appreciate the gesture

>>

kantoku:

I’m your director. that’s what I'm _supposed_ to be doing

<<

irresponsible itaru:

whats going on over there?

>>

kantoku:

uhhh… 

the normal. just a little more backed up, I guess. with you gone.

speaking of which, I have to go now. I’ll talk to you later, okay?

<<

irresponsible itaru:

thanks

—

He looks back up to Chikage who’s brows are a little furrowed with frustration, or maybe anger— Itaru was never the best at recognizing stuff like that— but he seems to be gripping at the steering wheel like there’s no tomorrow.

There isn't much to think about when the bright lights on the strip are still on for some reason, but that doesn’t matter when he’s tired too. Maybe Chikage is just tired— but he never really showed that, he thinks, when he looks back to his past with him. It’s completely fine. It’s not like he _cared_ about whatever Chikage treated him like. I mean— except when his job is on the line— which is what the situation is right now; so yes. He does have a reason to care.

But jobs are jobs, and he knows he could take care of his finances— so it’ll be fine. Maybe he should quit. It wouldn’t really be the best idea however, when he still needs the money to whale on his best girl. Human suffering is nothing compared to her. He berates himself in his head for saying that and then laughing a bit about it in his head later. 

He turns on the radio, but to no avail, when the volume is already put all the way down— and the car doesn’t even have any preset stations on it— which is generally weird. He fiddles around with the knob to look for a radio station and decides on a quiet slow jam. He doesn’t know why he got into these all of the sudden but he can feel his head bob while he listens to it, up and down to the beat, Chikage’s head facing forward at the road. Itaru doesn’t know why it's not nearly as tense as before, or as awkward as it was before. Maybe it’s the conversations they’ve had. Maybe it’s because they’re getting back into the groove— which they’ll never get back into the groove that they had before— but close enough. But he can’t decide, because at least it’s not like torture being near Chikage all the time. He bets Chikage thinks that way though.

He’s not hurt by it. Maybe he’s just slightly mad at something that happened, but Itaru is far too scared of Chikage right now to ask. Scared isn’t the right word, he thinks. It’s more of an anxious thing, he thinks, because Chikage’s eyebrows are still furrowed with anger for some reason. He can see it in how he turns, how he presses on the brakes and gas, and how he switches gears. 

By the time they’re almost at the hotel, it’s already 4 am but Chikage races straight past the valet, and takes up a parking spot, heading underground to park in that section, as there isn’t much parking space above ground either. It’s probably safer, but Chikage doesn’t care, and almost makes the tires screech in, as he abruptly stops the car and parks it so straight somehow, even if it only took him 10 seconds.

Chikage takes a deep breath. “Let’s go. I have things to attend to at the room.”

Itaru wants to ask why, but he definitely knows better, of course, when Chikage is like this for no reason, so he responds with an “okay”, and opens the door quickly to get out ASAP, so he doesn’t get murdered.

But the slight breeze and palm trees slightly swaying reminds him of something. It always will.

—

8/26 - 3 years ago

“...Senpai.”

Chikage looks behind him, jerking his hand away from the water that drips from his hand slowly, making ripples in it. He looks surprised. “Chigasaki-san.” He tips the -san with a bit of surprise.

Itaru is still in his night time clothing but this time with a warm puffy jacket surrounding him to warm him up, rather than that windbreaker that he wears while gaming— because even if it is summer, the docks are always so cold at night. He can see specks of sand in Chikage’s hair, that rustles like a bush in the wind, but waving as if it was a banner. Chikage looks back down at the water, but doesn’t go back down to touch it as wistfully as wistful can get. But instead, he runs his fingers against the grain of the floorboards, feeling it bump and curve against his fingers, the rough texture of the slightly weathered wood, stroking it carefully.

Itaru is just standing there, looking at the moon, his phone in his hand, but it isn’t even on, the screen reflecting a bit of the moonlight onto the board somehow, as he gets distracted by the full moon shining brightly on Chikage and the water, the reflection of the full moon rippling water. His hair shines bright also, as if it was platinum white, but it’s just glossy from the moist ocean air blowing through his hair. Chikage’s glasses are off, and set to the right of him, also reflecting the moonlight, a slight glint decorating the steel rims.

Itaru suddenly speaks. “It’s pretty out here.”

“It is. What about it though?”

“...Just saying.” He walks closer to Chikage, who’s still wearing the same attire as usual, even on this cold, late summer night. “Can I… sit here?”

Chikage doesn’t object, still fixated on the way that the water ripple and the sounds of the crashing waves onto the area around them. The sea is calm for once, which is odd. It’s odd of Chikage to be so attentive to the water, when there’s nothing super special or very interesting about it, just the fact that the waves are quiet. But he seems appreciative of it for some reason, when there is nothing to appreciate, Itaru notices.

“It’s a nice night here.” 

Chikage doesn’t respond to it as he skims his toes against the water idly, but almost without notice. He feels the water go through the spaces between his toes but for some reason, his toes aren’t cold. They’re warm to him. 

“...It is.”

The pauses between each question and each response are just long enough that it doesn’t become uncomfortable, or a chore to keep doing. A slight gust of wind brushes Chikage’s bangs out of his forehead, Itaru takes a quick glance to the right of him, before looking back down at their feet. He never realized how nice he looked in the moonlight. 

Itaru pauses to stop himself from asking every question at once. “Why are you out?”

“No reason.”

“There has to be some reason.”

“Not really.”

“It’s 3 am.” He pauses for dramatic effect. “There’s a reason.” Itaru feels like he’s prying a bit (and is), but not too much to the point it becomes uncomfortable. “I’m up because I finished my game and saw you weren’t in the room. If you were a little curious.”

Chikage laughs a little. “Oh, so _you’re_ _curious_ about me.”

“Oh, fuck off.” He says in a joking tone. He plays along with the silence that Chikage sets, just the same two sounds— the waves and the wind, but just one more added to the mix, which is the sound of the water sloshing beneath Chikage’s feet, and Itaru’s, who soon joins a little later. But even in this silence, it’s not uncomfortable. Itaru starts up again. “There’s a reason though, right?”

Chikage responds, “Sure.” in this most laconic, “get off my back” way he could, just as if he does not want to hear it.

“Beeeep. Invalid response. Try again.”

“It’s open to interpretation.” Chikage says it in his normal facetious fashion, with the same asshole tone that makes him sound like he has the biggest shit eating grin on the planet.

Which he does.

“Well, if you aren’t going to tell me…” Itaru trails off, officially just shutting up for a bit, which is because of the stars. Chikage sits there, expecting him to say something else to finish off his sentence, but he doesn’t, which takes Chikage by surprise.

Itaru instead stares at the stars again, and reaches into his pocket subconsciously for his phone, before realizing he left it by his bed before sleep. He interrupts the silence. “‘S pretty tonight.”

“Yeah. There isn’t much light pollution out here, surprisingly. It’s pretty.” Surprisingly, because it’s hard to escape the bright lights of Tokyo, even 20 km out of the city boundaries. He’s glad though— don’t get him wrong— that he has the chance to glance at the stars like before, but this time with different people. Or a different person. But maybe things aren’t so different after all, as he takes a glance at Itaru, who’s eyes sparkle a bit like a rose speckled with morning dew, his hair still tied up stupidly to unobscure his face.

He thinks back to his past again, about a certain someone.

“Sure is.” Itaru gazes harder, but suddenly becomes conscious again of what he’s doing. He looks at Chikage, who’s still staring at him, unfazed, but Itaru just looks at him a bit weirdly, before feeling a bit of red coming over the tips of his ears, and decides to crack a joke to lighten the mood— or more specifically, his mood. “This is kinda romantic, isn’t it? Just you and me, st—“ Chikage punches him a little harder than light to shut him up.

“Owwww…” Itaru over exaggerates the pain. “Rude…!”

“There are just some things you keep in your head.”

“I prefer not to do that.” Itaru almost sounds like he put a heart on the end of the sentence, like a little cherry on top of the section of conversation they just had. Chikage stopped stirring the water a while ago, now solely just looking at the ripples from the waves, and the little bit of sea form that touches the dock’s wooden stands. Chikage stops, and backtracks.

“What were you gonna say?”

“Dunno.” Itaru is obviously lying. Or maybe not. Chikage can’t even tell this time, which is odd, when usually he can read Itaru like a book. “But you can tell me stuff, y’know? I’ve done more ‘Organization’ stuff than everyone. ‘Cept Hisoka but… yeah.”

“I’m… aware.” Chikage reluctantly says aware for some reason, which is only a little bit of an oddity when it is taken into consideration for Chikage, but he soon moves on just to cover it up a little more. “I know I’m very capable of doing such.”

He really does know, Chikage thinks to himself quickly, as he starts to swirl the water, when he notices Itaru’s foot covered in the foam of the sea as if it was a little too much frothy milk, which Itaru notices next before dipping his whole foot into the water to get it off. He laughs a bit, which causes Chikage to roll his eyes— in an endearing way of course, (as endearing as Chikage can get) prompting a slight kick from Itaru.

“Good.” Itaru smiles, as much as a 3 am smile can be a smile through the haziness of the night, and the fog of the brain that sticks to it like honey to a spoon.

“What?”

“It’s good that you know.” 

“...Yeah.” Chikage nods, but in an “I guess” manner, which elicits another, stronger nod from him, this time with a little more assuredness.

“You can come to us if you truly need help. Even if it does put our lives on the line— we can take it.” Itaru doesn’t look at Chikage while saying it, but instead looks down, as if he was frowning a bit, but isn’t upon closer inspection by Chikage’s eyes, who are only a little bit looking at Itaru’s form. “Head to bed soon, ‘k?” He gets up, and pats Chikage on the back. “It’s a bit chilly out here. Don’t wanna catch a cold on MANKAI vacation.”

“Yeah, yeah. Forgot it was a vacation… haha.” Chikage watches Itaru leave slowly, feeling the vibrations of his footsteps get farther and farther away, and the slight sounds of creaking boards get farther and farther away, but Chikage doesn’t even look back. He keeps swirling the water around, as if someone would come out if he had kept stirring it, but he stops, and looks at the moon, still full as ever. His eyes are only a bit glossy, but not in the crying sense.

“I believe you, Itaru.”


	5. Chapter 5

Itaru wished he did not hurry up.

He wishes that he also did not say yes to his damn boss.

I mean, he guesses he did do it voluntarily, if you can call an impulsive decision fueled by some unseen force something that he did voluntarily. His boss would say otherwise. 

But something about this room is only a little empty, even if it’s filled to the brim with people— and by brim, he means the table is full and there are two extra people (Chikage and Itaru) presenting their dumb pitch about this and that, imports and such, and the sorts. There are only so many ways you can say “Hey! Give us shit and we’ll give you shit and maybe just a little money! Who knows!” but Chikage seems to have found all of them, including the most long winded speech, just to make it look like he’s smart.

Which he is, Itaru isn’t saying he’s necessarily  _ dumb.  _ He  _ is  _ smart.

But even if Chikage had him say that whole spiel about “never knowing unless you try” (which, corny as hell by the way) it would still work out in the end for Itaru, maybe even gaining more respect. Maybe he’ll ask Chikage after the meeting.

Well, if Chikage decides that he likes him today. 

The room is abnormally silent, devoid of any other voice, as the Japanese translator sits there, staring at the man whose English is paced and worded like a damn poem, in awe. Itaru doesn’t expect any less from the hacker, whose stats are basically so high that no one can compare. Except a specific stat that basically everyone knows, but Itaru tries not to think about it. But his voice really does project across the entire room, drawing attention to him, which isn’t very uncharacteristic for him, because he’s heard this before. His voice with a certain cadence to it, hitting every point, and maybe throwing in a couple company buzzwords in there, just to sound a little bit smarter. What the fuck is “synergy?”

He looks slowly around the room, making sure no one is staring at him— which no, there isn’t anyone, thank God, as he takes a look at the surroundings for the 10th time, at the same concrete walls painted with the brightest shade of white and the glass barrier separating them from the main office, covered in layers of white blinds, and the presentation glowing from the flatscreen TV put up in the middle of the room. (which he wishes he could have, but Sakyo still won’t let him put up anything, which makes sense because Itaru definitely could  _ not  _ be trusted with a drill for the life of him.)

The carpet is a bit scratchy underneath his feet, as he slightly grinds his shoe sole into it, the friction of which can slightly be heard across the room, but surprisingly, no one has called it out, maybe out of politeness, or maybe because of Chikage’s still loud, and booming voice across the room. Chikage decided to take the most part of the work back at the hotel room, and Itaru really took the easy part, but it’s fine. Chikage wanted the hard part anyway. It just means that  _ maybe  _ he won’t get the best benefit out of it, which would be perfectly fine. He just came here for the merit. It would look good on his resume too. If he ever decides to get a new job-- which, after this, he should start planning. Once he uses all his vacation days. 

But he doesn’t understand why some eyes are drifting over to him, when Chikage is interesting enough with his injection of larger English words, again, to the amazement of the translator, who wasn’t expecting this. But it does make him  _ look  _ worse to the board of people who heard him slightly stutter when he stumbled across a couple words, but it wasn’t that bad. Right? He tries to affirm himself for a bit, but he knows that it could’ve been better-- then again, a lot of things could’ve been better about his presentation. He wasn’t the most prepared, and maybe that would cost him the deal, which is why he doesn’t understand how and why he was so laid back about everything that was going down with the work, which he decides to blame on Chikage. Rightfully so, as he had occupied his thoughts far too much and put him in some emotional dilemma, if that’s what you could call it, when he keeps sending the most mixed emotions towards Itaru.

There is a time and place to be thinking about these things although, now not being the place, but he still thinks about it anyways, 

“Any questions?” Chikage asks this for the final time, finally wrapping up the presentation that felt like it lasted for a lifetime, which it probably did. Probably. Itaru decides to tune out the rest as Chikage accepts a couple questions, and answers some that go without asking-- which is to be expected from someone who does enough and maybe just a little bit more.

“I actually have a question.”

“Ah, what is it?” Chikage smiles at the old man, the smile seemingly genuine to others, but not to Itaru.

“No, for your partner. I’m not completely clear on the outline of this… plan.” He turns his head to Itaru. “Could you go over the third slide, please?” 

“I… Well… Uhm… Can I say this in Japanese?” Itaru can feel himself tensing up even more.  _ Was I not descriptive enough, I don’t know what I could even go over?  _ “Well, depends what part you’re confused about.” Good non-answer.  _ Could buy you time,  _ he thinks to himself.

The interpreter says the words in English, the man nodding in confirmation. He says some English to the interpreter, and the interpreter parrots it back. “Well, why  _ should  _ we use your company as a means to get our products to Japan? Is there a market in Japan for these things?”

Itaru freezes.

“Well, there is, just look at the slide before that, there’s definitely a market for this stuff, just look at those graphs. Very high.“ Itaru is panicking which Chikage takes notice of as Itaru fidgets a bit with his hands, trying to structure a damn sentence, which he can’t seem to do after that damn question. 

“Well, what my partner is trying to say is that there is a market for this stuff, and currently, as a testing area, we are  _ sure  _ we, as a company, have the best idea on how to release this product, as we believe, and are sure that these specific areas of Japan are in need of these things.”

“Hmm… I see. We will continue this meeting tomorrow. Thank you for your time.” He bows as he gets up, the rest following in suit.

They both speak in unison. “Thank you for your time.” They bow as each exits, Chikage walking over to the briefcase, closing the laptop and packing up the papers into the folders in a very methodical and neat way.

As each one of them gets up and walks to the door, Chikage heads to the middle of the large table, closing the laptop, unplugging the USB and packing everything up into his bag, Itaru following closely behind as the last person leaves. Something about it is intimate though, as if the room got smaller with just the two of them, but still with the same white concrete walls, surrounding them, with the same office lights coating the room in fluorescent light that washes out the little to no color found in the room.

“Sorry.” Itaru blurts out with no thought.

Chikage looks behind him, like Itaru is the weirdest person alive for that singular moment. “Sorry for what?”

“I fucked up.”

“Chigasaki, it wasn’t that bad. You could be better prepared for that, of course, but you tried to deal with it. It’s more effort than I’ve seen you put in before.”

Itaru isn’t insulted, even when most people would have been. He knows he put more effort into this than usual. “Exactly. This was really avoidable. And basic too.”

“And? It already happened, Itaru. No point in dwelling on it.”

“...I guess you’re right.”

Chikage finishes packing everything up quickly. “I know I’m right. Not to say I’m all knowing, but I know this much. It was a good effort. Everything can’t be perfect.” He walks to the door and opens it, standing there for a bit, and looking at Itaru. “Come on. Let’s go back to the hotel. I’m tired.”

Itaru looks at Chikage for a bit, stopping to stare, and his face filled with a hint of confusion. “Okay. Thanks.” Itaru walks out, Chikage following behind, picking up the pace to match the walking speed of Itaru and walk beside him across this oddly large office hallway, complete with simple office decorations and furnishings, passing by a couple filled meeting rooms and empty ones with the lights off, and the sun shining in. He looks at Chikage, who, for some reason, is focused on walking forward, which is kind of weird, but he doesn’t mind. It gives him time to think. 

Chikage was nice to him for some reason today, again, despite how he treated him last night, which was… odd. But maybe he was just having a bad day. He’s had his bad days, and come off cranky. He “hmmm”s in his head, a bit skeptical, as he knows Chikage is never one to let his emotions take over for a bit. That’s just who he is. Or maybe he let his guard down? If anything, he’s just completely confused as they turn the corner and see a more open space with an elevator, which is when Itaru decides to stop looking.

Chikage, surprisingly, did not notice the fact that Itaru’s bright red pink eyes were practically glaring into his soul. Just staring in front of him, deep in thought. He presses the button and waits for a bit till the doors of the elevator open, and 2 people come out, and they both enter simultaneously. Itaru presses the 1st floor button, and clasps his hands together near his waist as waits.

“How have you been feeling?” Itaru breaks the silence to start just a bit of small talk to test the waters. Chikage doesn’t respond, seemingly just staring at the closed elevator doors as they descend to the 2nd floor, seemingly not stopping, or feeling longer than usual. “About the presentation… do you think we’ll get the deal?”

He still doesn’t respond, which puts an end to whatever he was planning to say after. The elevator doors open andr they both walk out, and head to the car.

It’s still quiet between them, with maybe even a static, oppressive air surrounding them, stopping him from talking, and just in general preventing even the simplest conversation between them. He gets into the car in the parking garage quickly, Chikage taking his sweet time to start the car.

It’s quiet in the car till Itaru breaks the silence. “How long will it take to get there?” Still no response. Itaru looks intensely through the front window for some reason, when he doesn’t even need to be paying attention, and his phone is literally just in his pocket, but for some reason he’s rendered completely immobile by the fact Chikage isn’t responding when he shouldn’t be. It’s Chikage. Chikage probably doesn’t care. Definitely does not care. It just doesn’t make sense for him to not even respond with a “hey I’m focused on driving.” Because for some reason, he’s not talking again, or even saying that he needs to shut up because he’s focused on driving, which is also a valid response to him, as he completely understands.

But he doesn’t and he stops thinking about this as soon as Chikage pulls up to the front of the hotel, handing his keys over to the valet out front, and showing them their hotel card, the low murmurs of thank yous vibing across the two, and walking in swiftly, and into the elevator again, out, and into the hotel room.

He slides the card into the slot and opens the handle for Chikage, who walks in briskly, and with a sense of urgency, as he looks at his phone again with a sigh. Itaru goes to the wardrobe to grab clothes to rest in for now until he eventually goes out to get food, because he wants to try the fancier pizzas here. But until Itaru needs something is it quiet. “Hey, can you pass me the remote?” No response, like usual, where now it makes no sense, because he’s just searching things up on his open laptop next to the desk. “Are you gonna talk to me?”

“Why would I talk to you? We’re here on business. We’re just working together. It isn’t business. So I don’t care.” He starts to type slightly more quickly, a change so subtle that even he doesn’t notice, the pounding of the keys getting harder and harder.

“Dude, what the fuck?” Itaru sits up in the bed, looking at Chikage, biting the inside of his mouth so hard that it feels like he might draw blood, the taste of iron coating his tongue. “Listen. I don’t fucking want you to treat me like we’re long time friends if you’re gonna say we’re ‘only here for business.’ You can’t have it both ways, Chikage. Make up your damn mind.”

No response. The silence is deafening.

“I just… want to know.” For some reason he’s on the verge of crying which is stupid, and he shouldn’t be crying, but despite him feeling it becomes more than a struggle to get the rest out. “I just want to know if we can actually be friends. I don’t want you to give me false hope. I don’t want you to flick some switch in your brain that says that you’re allowed to be nice to me, and then you turn it off so quick as if it never happened.” 

No response. It’s ear piercing now; like if you dropped a speck of dust on the ground you would even be able to hear that, as Itaru gets more and more red, and Chikage’s face stays the same. 

“Okay. I got it.” He gets out of bed quickly. “I understand.” He stomps off to the shower, taking clothes with him and some lotion to the bathroom. “I’m taking a shower.” He deadpans, and practically slams the door of the hotel bathroom.

Chikage sighs. 

God, he feels like shit. 

Does he? 

Maybe he doesn’t know himself, but all he knows is that there’s some odd pit in his stomach that probably just hints quite a bit at him feeling like shit. It’s fine. It’s not like he hasn’t been through this before. All he has to do is push through it. It is odd. Considering all the shit he’s done, he doesn’t think he should be feeling bad. He means, he’s killed people, no remorse, just straight up dead, and that was fine. He can hear Itaru in the bathroom seemingly slamming shit on the counter, and dropping the soap with an “ugh.”

The feeling scrapes at his nerves, stretching him thin and fragile, as if he was just an elastic fabric that, of course, is still intact, but is transparent, being stretched far too much. The walls of the hotel feel both confining to him, and a bit too loud. He doesn’t think that loud is the correct word choice, but he thinks that too. But here he is, still typing away at his laptop; nothing coherent of course, but at least it’s something. Not really. It barely distracted him. He runs his hands through his hair, sighing again, and looking out the window that gives him an overview of most of the city, the cars running through the street like little bugs, but the moonlight can barely break through the raucous light of the city. He can still see it though, so he gets up to stretch, even though he doesn’t feel as if it’s necessary. He walks over to the window, looking up at the moon, and then looking down at his feet.

He takes a seat on the bed, for no reason, looking around a bit, before getting up and walking slowly to his chair, some document still wide open on his screen, and the shower somehow still going-- probably in preparation for tomorrow. He still acknowledges that skin care is important somehow, even when Azami isn’t there to drill it into their heads. It’s been three years. He doesn’t know why he’s so surprised. He shouldn’t be so surprised. Things change. He’s more than well aware of that. But somehow, he still feels stagnant, even with everything. The world has reached a standstill, but that doesn’t matter to him. He doesn’t need to change anymore. Not since… he skips right over that thought, but he knows that he shouldn’t, because it should bear no weight anymore. Seems like everyone else has gotten over it.

Hisoka.

It’s hard to talk about still, for him, and maybe for others. Who knows, when they can visit Hisoka’s grave. He guesses it gives people more closure. But the more he thinks about Itaru and Hisoka, the more he wants to care for him. He means, just being the slightest bit related to him puts people in danger. Maybe he shouldn’t have forced Itaru on this trip. Well, he didn’t. Itaru said “yes” for some unbeknownst reason that confuses him still to this day.

Hisoka.

But even then, the thought still comes to his mind. It felt nice. Felt nice to genuinely care for someone, after leaving them for so long, to protect them and still be able to have them, and be able to hold them after so long. Maybe it’s the situation. Chikage doesn’t want to hurt Itaru. That sentence makes him almost keel over, but he acts normal as the faucet is turned, and the sound of running water suddenly stops, and he can hear the shower curtain, as if every single environmental sound is turned up to max volume.

Hisoka.

He’s dead. That’s the end of that. He’s dead, and he shouldn’t care, and he should have learnt his lesson, because anything-- almost anything would be better than him being here, right now. He should have said no. He should have said no to the mission, and he should have said no to his boss, but he didn’t and now he’s paying the price. Filled with emotional turmoil and hurt. Thinking back, maybe he was just unlucky. Or maybe it was fated. It was fated for them to meet again after being away for so long, so why, why would some higher power put them together. It’s as if the big man upstairs wants him to suffer-- even if he doesn’t exactly believe in them.

Hisoka.

The thought tires him out, and he finally notices that he’s stopped writing things on this report, which he tries to start again, but he doesn’t even know where to gather himself after… after that. He’s still thinking though, which makes himself throw back his head in anger? Disappointment? Whatever. Whatever emotion it is, he could honestly care less. He’s stressed and he doesn’t want to be here anymore. He’s tired. He’s so tired. It’s taken a long time to find that out.

Hi--

He doesn’t even finish the thought this time. He stops thinking. He doesn’t know how, but he’s completely stopped all brain processes that go on. This is better. It feels calm. His vision feels like it’s cleared up, and he can start typing whatever he was typing in this document for some reason. Itaru walks out of the bathroom, completely clothed, and looking a bit fresh.

“I’m going to sleep.”

No response.

* * *

[mateasha.tumblr.com](https://t.co/i45LENhGvX?amp=1)   
  
chapter 5 is posted here! finally... i was a week late uh hahaha... anyways...   
  
i will be posting on ao3 still BUT!!!!   
  
but. they will be getting every update a week or two later than my tumblr will, which will try to consistently update.   
  
please follow


	6. confusion

There’s not much to think about this late at night, when he looks up at the ceiling and everything is done for today. His brain feels like TV static— or better yet, the hum of a microwave warming up his frozen pizza. He wishes he could toast it so it’s better quality (as “quality” as a frozen pizza can get) but he wants that pizza now, and fast. At least, that’s what he would do if he was home, but he’s not. 

He’s again sleeping in the bed on this slightly cold spring night, which is odd, because he’s in LA, where it’s supposed to be warm. It’s not like he necessarily  _ minds  _ the cold, but he’s just a bit confused. But his brain is telling him to just go to sleep, but his body is still jittering as if he’s being electrocuted.

Which comes up as a problem (obviously, regardless of prior obligation) when it’s 6 fucking am in the morning, and he has a flight to catch at 9. 

He gives up, and goes over the list of things that happened yesterday. 

  1. He went to the meeting.
  2. They got the deal, which he was surprised about.
  3. He hugged Chikage.
  4. Wait. He hugged Chikage?



He jolts up after remembering what seemed to be a crucial detail on an important day, which he doesn’t understand. Maybe his brain was trying really hard to forget it. (thanks, brain) But unfortunately for him, he remembered that detail. Fuck. 

Well, looking back on it he doesn’t think that Chikage particularly  _ dis _ liked it. Chikage just… may or may not have hugged him back for the most awkward 4 seconds of his life. Scratch that, he definitely did, when tracing back the events of this afternoon, which is unexplainably vague to him for some reason. Which he could  _ definitely _ attribute to his brain starting to re-realize all the events that happened, rolling over in his bed and groaning, before looking to Chikage’s side of the room, which is in a state of a little disarray, which he is a bit out of character for him, who brought basically nothing but what he needed, where at least Itaru brought a couple extra things. Mostly skincare, but Azami would hurt him, and his skin would basically revolt against him.

Itaru gets up, rubbing his eyes a bit, taking one last look at the night city, looking like grids of lights that remind him of pixels on a screen, the streets actually looking a little empty compared to their first day. The window seems a bit cloudy, and he can see his reflection in the glass window, which he observes for a bit, looking at the slight pimple or bump on his jaw, then rubbing over it as if he was fidgeting with it. The moon seems to be coming right through the window, but this time, it’s a new moon that barely has any light shining on it that would reflect, but it feels as if the moonlight is extra piercing. The clouds have seemed to clear the way of the moon from the angle that he’s looking at, like someone shot an arrow through it.

He walks away from the window, getting his glasses from the nightstand, and goes over Chikage’s side of the room. The bed seems freshly made, like something hasn’t settled down on it, with the slight wrinkles in it, which gives it a sense of chaos, like the rest of his side. Should he? He doesn’t, and takes a couple strides over from the foot of Chikage’s bed to the bathroom, checking to see if the light is on. It isn’t.

Where has Chikage gone? Well, fuck if he knows. He doesn’t know shit about where he is. Probably. There’s nothing for him to do in LA, right? Frankly, he doesn’t car— Care? He thinks to himself before finishing the sentence in his mind, which he doesn’t. He is aware of how he cares. Now he’s really glaring at the laptop and the bag that’s still open on the side of his bed. Should he? Maybe. He ends up doing it.

Well, he knows he won’t find anything. Chikage isn’t stupid. Maybe it was foreseeable that he would try snooping around which— wait. The laptop comes back from sleep mode, which is on a browser tab.

Ah. What did he expect? 

— 

Chikage knows it isn’t good to be out here so late.

But he still is for some reason, which confuses him to no end, when his thoughts have been occupied for so long for no reason. 

He shouldn’t be confused.

He knows he shouldn’t be confused, but still is, which he guesses is basically inevitable, and comes with his “humanity” which he wishes he could do away with, but for some reason, no matter how hard he tries to do it he can’t. Maybe in a sick, twisted way, he still wishes to keep his humanity, which he just does  _ not  _ understand about himself. He can’t have it both ways.

But he definitely  _ knows  _ why he’s in such “emotional turmoil”, if that’s what you can call it.

Itaru hugged him.

And if he’s being honest, it’s the warmest hug he’s felt since— Yeah. He can still feel the phantom pressure caused by Itaru’s arms which he’s basically just berating himself for in his mind that’s only a bit cloudy from the grogginess that you get from staying up till 3 am, which he didn’t even know it was till he checked his watch. 

He feels lost in time, in a vague area as he looks out on the pool that ripples in the wind against the fluorescent lights that seem to light up the bottom and top of the pool, with circular lights lining it. No one is here— just how he likes it— and the staff have seemed to call take a rest for the night. Which is understandable, of course. But it’s good. To have no one here. The wind feels like it’s howling at him, even when the leaves on the trees aren’t rustling in the early spring breeze that still has the bite of cold from the winter, with only just a slight movement as the air isn’t completely stale here. It still feels like it is though, with some of the air pollution, but what does he expect— it’s a large city.

And now he needs to think, when he can’t distract himself from the scenery anymore. Think about specifically the events of this afternoon.

Itaru hugged him.

There’s not much to say other than that. Well, he hugged him, and then broke away super quickly before saying sorry, quickly packing up before walking out quickly after beckoning to him in a meek voice.

He’s not going to say he didn’t like it though.

He definitely did— he’s not going to lie. But he should. Some people are such good liars that they begin to believe their own lie, which genuinely is what his end goal is— even if he doesn’t state it himself.

Life is so difficult. Too difficult for what it’s worth to him anyways. But for some reason he’s still here. He could’ve just found some place to stay. A coworker. A female coworker, because they always seem to welcome him in. But he didn’t. Why? Why is he so compelled to come back to MANKAI, to come back to Itaru. He shakes off the thought, already heading back inside, setting his mind on the walk back to the hotel room.

— 

Itaru isn’t hurt at all, really. It doesn’t matter. It didn’t matter to him in the first place but it still stands— the fact that Chikage is looking for another job isn’t too detached from reality. Chikage doesn’t really have the best relationship with him anymore. Well— they never had the best relationship ever since he came back but that’s beside the point.

Itaru is not hurt.

He refuses to be hurt. I mean, there was no reason to get his hopes up obviously. It’s not like Chikage was going to get up one day and decide magically that he liked him. Right? Well, it seemed like that sometimes when they went to work together this week. Even if it seemed forced.

But it does hurt. It strikes him right in the heart, like he was stabbed with a needle in the heart; nothing too hard to create a health complication, but enough to where it would sting a bit. Itaru definitely can’t sleep. He closes Chikage’s laptop quickly when he hears footsteps that sound as if they would be Chikage’s, and goes back into bed with his phone tucked away. He hears the click of the lock of the door, and the creaking of the door when it opens. It’s Chikage. Probably. It really can’t be anyone else, but he can’t help but open his eyes just a little bit to peek at him. 

He’s disheveled. But not particularly hurt, just his hair looks a bit like a bird’s nest, and he’s not wearing his glasses. His eyebags seemed to have gotten bigger, but that might just be a trick of the light, as he comes back into the same dark room. He sighs loudly, ruffling his right hand through his hair slowly, stretching before picking up the laptop and moving it over to the desk.

Itaru is not hurt. Definitely not.

It’s not like he was expecting much from him— it’s Chikage Utsuki for fuck’s sake.

But maybe there was just a little hope.

Just maybe.

Which is just him affirming himself— or trying so hard to convince himself it doesn’t hurt, when it does. He was hoping. Maybe he would stay, or maybe he would have a change of heart, but he obviously got his hopes up. Just like he always has, from highschool to now, when he’s 27  _ long  _ years old. So why the hell does he still get his hopes up even when he already knows how everything is going to end? Asking the questions he knows the answer to already, but he refuses to answer them in his head, so what was even the point of asking them?

He gets his hopes up because he cares. That’s what he knows.

He cares so much for certain people (like Chikage) that it begins to hurt.

But caring isn’t really a thing he can afford, can he?

—

The drive back home is completely silent, but Chikage isn’t nearly enough of an asshole to just drive off without Itaru, leaving him stranded until he finds a cab. Does he even have the money to pay for a cab to drive him back home?

Never mind that, does he have the money to pay for an Uber to take him home?

Itaru and him step out of the car quickly, to be greeted by Izumi.

“Welcome home, Itaru! Chika—” Chikage quickly walks by Itaru and Izumi, opening the door and taking a brisk walk inside. 

“Hey, Director.”

“Have you been.. studying your role?” 

“...No.”

“Itaru.” Izumi can already tell something went wrong. “...Let’s head inside. Never mind the role. That doesn’t matter right now.”

“Thanks.” Itaru shoves his hands in his pant pockets, and follows Izumi closely behind. It’s night time on a weekday, so most people are asleep, excluding the people who are basically adults and decide their own bedtime because Sakyo can’t really yell at them, can he? Well, he could, but it’s not like any of them would listen to him. Scratch that, they would. Sakyo is loud and a bit fearsome.

“Take a seat. I have some tea brewing. I was going to head to sleep after I welcomed you two home, but we can talk.” Izumi gets up. “Of course, if you want to talk. Tea?”

“No, no, I can talk. I can go for some tea too.” Itaru laughs. “It wasn’t too bad, if that’s what you’re asking.”

Izumi is in the kitchen when she responds, the stream of tea pouring from the teapot adding a nice bit of white noise to the environment in a relatively silent area. Just what he needed. “It obviously was pretty bad though. Chikage didn’t even say hello. Like, even when he just came here he was at least  _ polite _ ! Not like he needs to be polite with me, but just at least a greeting would be nice. Just… recount the events that happened.”

“Well… First day was fine. Well, relatively fine. I texted you about it anyways.”

“Yeah, I know.” She comes back quickly, holding two mugs, handing one to Itaru. Izumi takes a big whiff of the tea before taking her first sip.

“Second day was the first meeting, which wasn’t  _ too  _ bad, I just fucked up. But for some reason, he consoled me? Which was weird, of course, because he hadn’t treated me like that in a long while, but he consoled because I just couldn’t answer one of the easy questions. So I asked him, are we friends or not because he kept treating me like one.” Izumi nods. “He said no, this is just for work. And of course,  _ reasonably  _ I got mad!”

“Well, you’re definitely right in how you reacted. It is an asshole move of course, but is that it?”

“No. Last meeting which happened on the last day, I hugged him because we made the deal.”

“You hugged him?!”

“Yes, I did, which I do regret, but it’s not like he particularly disliked it, like he didn’t push me away.”

“I see. So why is he so pissed?”

“I don’t know.”

“Well, do you need him out still?”

“It’ll be awkward… but I’ll be fine. I’m used to it by this point.”

—

Walking into the office, there’s not really much of a difference between a week before today, which does make sense, considering that it’s only been a week, but now there’s a framed photo of his daughter on his desk. It’s not very ornately decorated on the outside, but he can see his boss stare into it very softly, before looking up at them, and telling them to sit down. “I saw your report, you two!” Their boss greets them with a wide grin on his face, which just seems a bit brighter than it usually would be.

“Ah, yes.” Chikage starts to respond to him first, a stern look on his face, as he fixes his glasses, pulling them back very confidently in one, deft motion. “Did you need anything explained? Everything is up to your standards, of course, but me and my  _ coworker  _ here would be glad to explain anything that you’re confused by.” Coworker is tinged with a hint of venom, just enough to cause him discomfort, but not so obvious that it notifies everyone else that Chikage does not like him.

“No, no, the report was extremely good! I’m proud of you two. Maybe it could contribute to later pay, haha... “ He tries to lighten the serious mood set by Chikage, who’s obviously a bit irritated at the new mood that’s been set. Chikage and Itaru forcibly laugh, even when they’re far too tired to laugh in the first place, because they’re just so jetlagged from the flight that it hurts. “Anyways, let’s drink! It’s on me! After work! Some bonding would be nice with my two best workers!”

“Oh, yes, definitely!” He gives a smile to him that could fool even him if he wasn’t paying attention.

“Great! Itaru, how about you?”

It’s silent for a bit again, causing him to panic because he isn’t responding to him. “No, no, I’ll be fine. I have… things to attend to.” Itaru does not have anything to attend to. Which was obvious as a blatant lie, as Chikage gives him a look that just screams “that was a terrible lie.”

“Like?” He seems to have bought it, but now he actually has to think of a good excuse, so he compiles a quick mental list to try to pad out the time.

  1. Groceries.
  2. Groceries.
  3. Groceries.
  4. Groceries.



Why does he keep thinking about groceries? He mentally bonks himself on the head to punish himself. “Um… Just things.” Now he’s fucked.

“C’mon! I insist!” His boss gives him a big grin which is unsensible when he’s at work. He wouldn’t doubt him if he said that he loved his job though. 

Itaru darts his eyes around the room to try to come up with something, but it’s pretty much obvious that he doesn’t have an excuse, so what even is the point of it?

Itaru is basically trapped. “...Okay, okay, you’ve convinced me. I’ll come.”

“Great!” Itaru has never seen someone so excitable by a small drink outing. “I’ll meet you at the entrance once your shift is over!”

Itaru is not convinced.

—

Ah. He’s here. He’s really here. Sitting here. At the entrance. Next to Chikage. But this time, he doesn’t even try to start a conversation. He just doesn’t understand why his heart is beating so fast next to him. The entrance of the building is a bit too sterile for his liking, with muted greens and oranges that color block the wall, with the same vibes as the office building back in LA, with the generic office plants that don’t take as much maintenance to keep alive, and the weird abstract paintings that look almost like a smattering of paint, which he doesn’t think is  _ so  _ bad, as some people do, but it feels a bit pretentious with the plaques that are plastered onto the bottom of the bigger ones that have the title, the author, and the date it was made.

Not to shit on anyone’s work, of course. 

The lounge chairs he’s sitting in at the front entrance are at the weird intersection of uncomfortable and comfortable, where you shift your position every 5 minutes to accommodate your spine, but no matter what you do, you still just can’t find that right position. (without getting into some weird ass one that makes you look like a complete fool) The glass table has slight finger markings, maybe from a child of a coworker, but the janitor comes quickly to wipe it down, with a quick excuse me, making it seem more spotless, with a citrus scent coming to fill his nostrils.

But other than that janitor that came in and is already out like a ninja, there is no one else here, excluding Chikage. The receptionist has already gone home, and the light of the sign that would be over her has already turned off. The office building seems to have gone to sleep. 

And onto Chikage. Chikage. What a character, Itaru would call him, neither negative or positive, because of course he still harbors  _ some  _ feelings towards him. Some feelings. Nondescript, but already aware of what he’s getting at. Chikage is dressed in his same salaryman suit, but a different color, still with a bit more wear and tear on it, with some stains on it that aren’t so obvious that you could see them from conversation distance, but based on how close they seem to be sitting (probably like a foot) he can see them on his sleeve. Nothing seems to have frayed though, and it’s still relatively spotless. 

Itaru hasn’t studied Chikage like this. Or anyone like this, if he wanted to become more specific than Chikage. His skin seems to be a bit rough with tiny scars on his face that are, of course, too small to be noticed from conversation distance, but if he was close like a lover, it would be obvious. It’s almost like it’s beckoning to be traced over, but he knows he can’t do that. His skin is still spotless though, with basically no acne scars, and his pores so small that if he were to take his skin and use it as a strainer, the liquid coming out would be so smooth that it would rival the clarity of some fancy water. 

Time is weird. Time truly is weird, because for a moment, he forgets that he’s been gone for three years, so it makes sense why he’s beginning to pick up on all these details and how they’ve changed over the years, because he means— you eventually do pick up on these.

He’s not fidgeting at all, his hands still deft as ever, but still with the same “problems” as Chikage’s face does: A bit rough with tiny scars. He’s holding a magazine, which Itaru already knows he’s not reading, but just looking at the photos, trying to distract himself from the slightly awkward atmosphere that Itaru and Chikage have created around them, which… may be a little out of character for him, but he doesn’t want to state that. 

Itaru takes out his phone because he doesn’t want Chikage to notice that Itaru has been staring at him for a solid 5 minutes at this point, clicking on the KniRoun app that he’s been grinding, his phone muted this time because unfortunately, he does not have his earbuds with him to be able to listen. Gawain greets him with a “Hmph.” and something aloof which would not be out of character for him, and he opens an area and starts playing, which is a period of time which is shortly ended by the laughter of what he assumes to be his boss, and people from the other departments.

“Ah! Itaru! Chikage! My star workers! Are you two ready to go?”

“Ah, yes, of course.” Itaru already has fatigue beginning to take over his voice slowly, which is barely masked by the slight chatter that follows his boss.

Chikage doesn’t have to respond, as he closes the magazine he was reading about home life which— what would he know? And gets up and follows closely behind, Itaru trailing behind. “I already know a good bar that’s in walking distance. We can go. Did you guys take your cars here?”

“I have my own. Itaru took the subway here.”

“Got it.”

—

He definitely was right in saying that it was a pretty quick walk, but god, this bar is a bit too fancy for his taste, with classy decor which makes it feel like a speakeasy, but it’s nice. The alcohol is nice. But he may have drunk too much. 

Itaru and Chikage are laughing together, and it almost seems like old times when Chikage mentions something funny and Itaru adds something onto it. They’re talking about the time Misumi got lost with a crow and was thought to be the god of it by the priest for some reason, which everyone doesn’t seem to believe— which, understandable, because Misumi is basically a cryptid in the flesh— and the showing the video of Misumi dancing in the middle of the shrine is basically all they need to prove their point, as well as show an article about the Sankaku Shrine.

“ _ He  _ made that?”

“Technically!” Chikage and Itaru chuckle together. “Everyone in the dorms was looking for him, but my fri…” Chikage stops talking, but Itaru quickly finishes the sentence.

“Our friend Hisoka helped us out with everything.”

The scenery seems a bit blurry, clouds seemingly gathering over his eyes as he tries to take in the bar’s atmosphere once more. It feels comfy somehow, but mostly because it isn’t too loud, and it’s softly lit with an amber glow that gives everything a warmer hue. It’s a little more fancy than he’s used to, but it’s okay, because it’s at that fine intersection of fancy and far too casual for his taste. It’s not quiet, but it’s not too loud, given how small the bar is. He’s not mad at it though. There’s not too many people here, not even full for a work night that closes in the week, and allows people to escape into the weekend, which he’s grateful for— meaning that he doesn’t have to try nearly as hard to be a sociable person.

He’s not technically drunk but he will admit, he’s tipsy, and his eyes are glossed over making them extra shiny, but not to the point where his eyes are red and look like he’s a complete drunk. He doesn’t even like the taste of alcohol, and would much rather prefer a fruity drink, but at the risk of seeming weird to his coworkers, he got some weird craft beer that he can’t even pronounce the name of, and it doesn’t even taste that good. Itaru swears people drink this shit to get drunk. 

He’s not particularly against getting drunk though.

It’s a fine escape for a short amount of time, but he would much rather be home playing games. 

Itaru is sort of aware of what’s coming out of his mouth, but a conversation about work while drunk would not be the best decision to make, so he’s relatively silent, and pretty good at keeping his mouth shut. 

“Hey! Itaru…! Another round?” His boss looks at him and his empty glass with just the ice in it.

“No, no, I’ve had too much alread—”

“Another round! C’mon! It’s on me~! You can’t just pass up some nice beer!”

“...Fine, fine, okay.” He was not aware that he said that, but he said it anyways, which he already knows might fuck him over. This is the last one, and then he’s done.

But onto Chikage, who’s still talking, and already done with his drink, and doesn’t seem nearly as affected as Itaru who’s teetering on the borderline of drunk and tipsy, and so far, it is almost obvious that he is going to be drunk if he drinks this last one. Which he will have to. God, how will he get home, he thinks, interrupted by the next round of drinks served by the waiter. Chikage isn’t even flushed for some reason, which doesn’t exactly aggravate him, but rather confuses him to no end, as this is expected. Someone’s alcohol tolerance doesn’t change just like that, right? His movements are a little less sharp, his tone a little less pointed, and his shoulders relaxing just a bit more than they would usually when he’s sitting down. He doesn’t seem nearly as on guard as he usually is, which is a welcome change, even when he knows him and Chikage won’t be talking.

“Thank you!” His boss passes it around, the chattering still going on, which he comprehends none of, nor does he want to occupy his thoughts with it. It is odd for him to be silent during these times though, so he lets out a little quip in response every now and then, Chikage, for some reason, staring at him but without Itaru’s notice, probably acknowledging that Itaru’s eyes keep drifting back at him. Itaru throws back the last gulp of it back into his throat before standing up, and saying, “Thank you very much for the drinks. However, I must be… uh… going!” He doesn’t even know how he’s gonna get home. He definitely cannot drive in this groggy state— which is more than obvious, even to him, the person who he’s criticizing. Itaru isn’t too drunk, but he’s definitely not sober enough to drive. He’s just… somewhere on that spectrum. 

He’s not even sure if he can find his way to the subway though, which might just be a little bit too much of a struggle for him for him to do, so he’s probably just gonna get himself an Uber. He still has to be wary of those, but at least he knows what his ride is now. His boss frowns at the statement, almost giving him puppy eyes. “Ah… what a shame. Maybe next time, hm? This isn’t going to be the last time right?” He wishes it were going to be his last time, but he knows that he’s going to have to do this stuff again. It’s just for the social footing and getting that raise he  _ really  _ wants.

“Definitely.” Itaru slowly gets out of the booth, losing his balance slowly, but obviously, which Chikage notices and gets up to catch him when he finally falls down. Chikage catches him in his arms quickly, able to support his weight, standing him up straight. 

“Are you okay? Chikage sometimes actually sounds like he cares, which Itaru doesn’t even know anymore, and the line is even more blurred by the amount of alcohol that’s in his system currently. 

“Haha… yeah. I’m okay. Thanks, Utsuki-san.” Itaru’s speech is a little bit more slurred than usual. He slouches back down again. “I’ll call myself a ride.”

“I’m taking you home.” His tone is stern, as if he was going to wag his finger at him.

“What?”

“I’m taking you home.” God, he’s serious.

“No, you aren’t. The hell?” Itaru looks at him in disbelief in his eyes.

Chikage just ends up making the decision for him. “I’ll be taking him home, okay?”

“Ah, Chikage. You’re going as well?” He’s not particularly phased by Chikage leaving, which he wasn't nearly as whiny as he was with Itaru, mostly because he’s probably realized it’s 7 pm, and he needs to get back home. 

Chikage quickly makes up an excuse which shows that he isn’t drunk, and also gives him a free pass to get out. “Yes. I’m not feeling particularly well with all this alcohol I’ve consumed, so I hope you understand.” Not like he needs this excuse, he probably could’ve just left and after saying he’s leaving.

“It’s completely understandable!” He’s borderline yelling out the words which he doesn’t need to when this bar is just way too small for that. “I’ll see you guys at work next week, okay?”

“Yes. See you guys.” 

He drags Itaru out by the wrist quickly. 

“You drank too much.”

“Not really. I just don’t want to be there for too long.”

“Yeah. I know. Let’s go. My car isn’t too far.”

  
  
  


There’s not anything remarkable about the car ride, except for the deathly silence that seems to have taken over the entire car after that “scene” that they created in the bar, which was relatively convincing. Well, it’s not like they were specifically trying to make it convincing, as it was basically just a scene between him and Chikage, which weirdly affected how he perceived Chikage. For some reason, Chikage looks a little mad, or just feels like he’s mad, even with the hardest poker face he’s seen come from someone. Maybe that’s just his face. It doesn’t look like he’s particularly focused on the road, even with the fair share of complications that come from driving.

Itaru’s vision is a little bit clearer, but his brain is a little hazy with the fogginess that comes with alcohol, now just being a tipsy fog rather than an almost-drunk fog that seems to coat his brain in a condensation of water. He’s just a little bit more aware of everything. The highway seems to be getting longer and longer for some reason, even when he is driving oddly fast, even for Chikage. He’s not angry at that, because he does want to get home. He’s tired. But the sun seems to be almost setting, and it feels just a little bit late for it to be setting. The scenery slowly gains more greenery, which is beginning to grow back its leaves for the upcoming summer as they get later and later into the season of spring.

But aside from that, Itaru’s just a little mad.

Not even a little, but maybe just a moderate mad.

He’s pretty mad for multiple reasons, rightfully so. He lists them down for later to tell Izumi.

  1. He does not want to be with Chikage right now.
  2. Chikage forced him into this car.
  3. Chikage said that it was just business, but this is definitely not business.



Itaru breaks the silence. “Why?”

“What?”

“Why are you taking me home?”

“None of your business.”

“Well, it obviously is my business. I’m the one being taken home here.”

Chikage goes silent, no response, which is another reminder of how the trip went. Itaru decides to speak up again. “Are you going to respond?” Chikage seems like he’s thinking, but a little slower because now he’s focusing on driving, as he lifts his foot a little bit off of the gas pedal as they make a right turn to exit out of the highway. The silence in the car is almost suffocating, too thick that it becomes almost tangible for him. He weaves quickly through the roads, and quickly reaches the dorms.

Chikage stops and pulls into the driveway with his rental car. “We’re here. Let’s head inside.” Itaru gets out of the car, just a little bit more heated than usual. The living room is open as Chikage fiddles around with the lock to get in, opening it slowly, and closing it slowly, and they both head quickly to their dorms.

The dorms are quiet again with only a few lights on, but no loud noises, even for a weekend. Nothing is really going on, even for a Friday, when he’d expect it to be just a little bit more loud. They both enter the room, which was practically untouched, except for when he sees his fridge with a note from Banri saying, “I wanted the soda in the fridge. Sorry for taking it, I’ll be sure to pay you back later.” He looks at the little signature in the bottom from Banri, scoffing at it, and then throwing it quickly on the floor.

Itaru is more than just a little bit mad, obviously, when he throws it on the floor with half anger and half carelessness for the cleanliness of the room, but he starts talking, resuming their conversation from where they left off.

“Is  _ everything  _ just business to you? Do I mean nothing? Chikage.” No response from Chikage, who just continues to unpack his little to no luggage quickly. He takes out his laptop, still ignoring Itaru, not even looking at him. He doesn’t even break a frown, a twitch of the face. Just completely neutral. Itaru places his luggage quickly near the desk underneath his loft bed, already procrastinating on unpacking. 

Itaru continues on. “Chikage, I missed you. I know I sound fucking insane, but I seriously missed you, Chikage. I missed you so fucking much and I can’t just let you go again, not without hearing you say that you hate me. Enough with that bullshit, ‘it’s just business’ excuse.” Chikage opens his laptop already, and is already typing something up quickly, which only agitates Itaru more and more. He takes a step towards Chikage’s desk, underneath the loft bed. “You didn’t need to be nice to me on the trip. Who the fuck was there to see you be nice? Who was there to see you be caring when you just completely threw me away after you were nice to me. Say it. Say that you hate me.”

Chikage finally responds, almost meekly, but his voice still seems to reverberate around the room with power. “Listen. I don’t… hate you.”

“Then what?” He walks over to Chikage.

Chikage gets up. “I just can’t deal with you. This.”

A switch goes off in Itaru that turns what he means to be a straight question into a one sided yelling match. “Deal with me? What the hell? What the fuck?” He places his fingers on the bridge of his nose in stress. He can already feel the heat of crying reach his eyes slowly, the tears already starting to creep into his vision from the bottom lid.

“I didn’t mean it like that, I—” Chikage is swiftly interrupted by Itaru’s sudden assertiveness.

“You didn’t? You didn’t? Just fucking say it, Chikage! Say that you hate me!” He keeps taking steps forward, the first teardrop falling down his face.

No response.

“Say that you hate me, and then I’ll let you go.” He takes another step forward, more tears streaming down his face.

No response.

“Say that you hate me, and I’ll go away. I’ll stop.” He takes more steps forward, imposing more and more on him while the tears reach his chin and practically drip down, hitting the floor almost theatrically because he didn’t wipe them away.

No response.

“I’ll stop caring so fucking much about how you think about me and how you’re feeling. I’ll stop loving you!”

No response.

The room reaches complete silence, as if you could hear a pin hit the floor. The wind outside is rustling the leaves of the trees oddly loud, and the dorms are quiet too, so he’s sure that the others can hear him through the walls. God, he doesn’t even want to think about the conversation they’re going to have because of this argument.

Itaru and Chikage stand in complete silence, Chikage watching the streams coming out of Itaru’s eyes fall down his face, and Itaru staring back with almost desperate eyes. Chikage seems like he’s in shock as he walks over to the couch quickly putting on his sweater that was draped over it, and walking to the door.

“Wait, Chikage, where the hell are you going?”

No response.

Itaru runs to the open door quickly, seeing Chikage almost run to the driveway, Izumi heading to their dorm, looking back at Chikage run, and looking forward at Itaru.

“Itaru, what happened? Wait. Don’t tell me. Just… tell me what you need right now.”

“We need to reach him. I know where he might be, just… drive me.”

—

When Itaru and Izumi reach the cemetery, the sun’s already down, but there are still slight bits of light popping out of the horizon, tinting the sky a little orange at the bottom, when it’s mostly just night sky already. He can still see though, because the lights that line the walkways of the cemetery are on, but he already knows where he’s going without light.

“Izumi, drop me off.”

“What?”

“You can drop me off here.”

“Okay. Want me to come?”

“No. I’ll be fine.” He wipes away the last of his tears before opening the door and heading out.

The cemetery feels a little odd with the lack of light coming through from the sky, but the little to no moonlight doesn’t supplement the oddity of being here. He already knows where Chikage is. And he’s already found him.

“How’d you know I’d be here?” He doesn’t look back, but just continues to look down at Hisoka’s grave, reading his name over and over again as if he’s trying to memorize it, as if he’s going to forget it the second that he stops looking at it.

Itaru speaks up shakily, trying hard to push the words out. “Intuition.”

“Sorry.” 

Itaru continues to walk towards him. Chikage is still looking down at the grave, looking at the bag of marshmallows that he placed down there last time he was here. It almost hurts to stay here for Chikage, with how much emotion it harbors. “Sorry for what? What is there to be sorry for?”

Chikage doesn’t respond to that, but quickly changes the topic. “This is unlike me, Itaru. Just… leave. I’ll be gone soon anyways. I have another assignment anyways.” He sounds melancholy, as if he’s saying farewell again, or like he’s doing to die.

Itaru already feels like he’s going to cry again just standing next to Chikage, looking down at the grave. “I’m not letting you go without a goodbye, Chikage. Just some sort of answer.” Itaru sounds almost desperate for him. “Do you hate me?”

No response, but this time, the silence feels different. It doesn’t feel like the silence that used to distance them, but as if this silence is pulling them together.

“Do you like me?”

Chikage opens his mouth, and closes it again, not knowing what to say. It feels like they’re stuck, unable to speak, until Chikage finally seems to work up the courage to speak. “Listen, Itaru… I just can’t be with you. I can’t be with them. Itaru, I like you. I like you, and I like the others, even if this emotion is irrational. I know that even if we started dating, it wouldn’t work out.” Chikage says it like he’s warning Itaru. “I know it won’t work out. I can’t lose you again. I can’t lose you for real. As long as I know you’re still alive, I’ll be fine. Just being around me is dangerous, and I just can’t lose you. I wouldn’t be able to walk the Earth knowing that I hurt another one of my loved ones. It happened to Hisoka. What if it happens to you? What if it happens to the others?”

“You know I don’t give a shit.”

  
  
“What?”

“You know I don’t care if I get hurt, and I don’t care if I die just by sticking around you again. I can’t do  _ this  _ again. I can’t lose you again. I don’t care if I die. I’m not letting you go without a fight. Just stay.”

He takes a breath.

“Just… stay.”

“Listen… Itaru. I think I like you. Not in the friendly way.”

“Then that’s all I need to hear.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you for reading!!! it took me a while to finish obviously but now its finally done!!! anyways this chapter got to tumblr first which you can find after these notes.  
> anyways im really thankful for certain people who helped me brainstorm, read, and give feedback on the story which really helped me stay motivated to finish!!
> 
> tumblr: https://mateasha.tumblr.com/  
> twitter (i tweet about genshin impact a lot sorry): https://twitter.com/knight_itaru

**Author's Note:**

> twitter: @knight_itaru  
> (i talk about genshin impact and a3)
> 
> hello... i havent published in a while! i will be rewriting the tasutsumu idol fic but rn i want to focus on this fic that ive been working on for a while... 3 months i think? i will be publisshing a new chapter WEEKLY, every friday (weekly) because i have almost all of it written out.


End file.
